Part II
☆ October 22, 2010
Part I is here. I left off where I told him to stop, or law enforcement would get involved. He emailed me, apologizing profusely again, but then the next day, he went into overdrive. So many emails, so much obsession. It was sick. Sick and disturbing. At that point, I blocked his comments from appearing on my blogs but they, as well as direct emails, still came through to me – simply because I wanted to be able to keep tabs on him and keep everything for future reference, if necessary.
And then I called the Sheriff’s Dept. The Sergeant I spoke with said I absolutely had grounds to come in and file a Stalking Order (which is akin to a restraining order or a protection order). This is what I learned about the process: 1) the offender must be told, prior to filing, that his behaviour is unwelcome and to stop; otherwise he can say, “Oh, I didn’t know…” Obviously, I had already taken this step. 2) The victim files criminal stalking charges with the police, then it goes to the Prosecuting Attorney and he alone decides if it is worthy of pursuing. If he decides not to, then the victim is SOL or must hire an attorney to take the case in front of a judge (and incur all the expenses thereof, herself). 3) The request for a Stalking Order is taken before a judge and the offender is invited to the hearing. The victim must appear and testify, and her stalker may or may not be present (his choice) to defend himself.
I did not want to be in the same room as this guy. When I questioned the protocol outlined above, I was told by the Prosecuting Attorney’s office that under the constitution, the defendant has the right to face his accuser. So. Even though major business transactions take place via conference calls and video conferencing, the courts still take this literally, with no concern for the psychological trauma a victim of stalking or assault must endure by being in the same room as the perpetrator.
“He already knows what you look like,” I was told, “your picture is on the cover of your book.” Firstly, I had no control over the cover of my books (authors rarely do) and entered into an epic war with my publisher when I found out they were planning to use that photo on the paperback. Moreover, having a predator see your picture is far different than having to sit in front of them in a tiny room. I felt like, regardless of the circumstances surrounding it, he would be getting what he wanted. It boggles my mind that in the age of Skype and CCTV, the courts are not set up to allow the victim to testify via video conferencing from a neighboring room in the courthouse with a bailiff present.
Anyway, I forwarded everything to the Sgt. so he could start a file but chose not to formally file charges at that point because I felt so strongly about not wanting to be face to face with this guy. The Sgt. offered to call the stalker and speak to him directly, that sometimes hearing it from law enforcement can scare a guy straight. I asked him to hold off on that for the time being, hoping that if I just ignored everything, the stalker would lose interest when he got no response, and stop.
Tangent: In the comments of my previous posts on this subject, many of you recommended that I read The Gift Of Fear by Gavin de Becker. I read it last week. Women, girls, those of you who know any women or girls, go read Chapter Four of this book. Fabulous info in Chapter Four. Chapter Four should be photocopied and tacked up in every girl’s locker room in every school.
The author also devotes a section of the book to dealing with stalkers, and while the overarching theme of the book is about trusting intuition, he makes a great point regarding stalkers: once you engage, there is no going back. If you want them to go away quietly, and think this is possible, ignore them from the outset. It may still take six weeks of harassment one must endure, but once you engage, there is no going back to ignoring. Even in telling the guy to stop, a “relationship” has been established (in the stalker’s mind).
It became very clear, very fast, that ignoring him had no effect (since I had already engaged by telling him to stop). It got to the point where I dreaded checking my emails because of this guy. It would derail my days; it robbed me of my time and my focus and my life. One woman said it perfectly in a comment left on this site: Stalking is terrorism at the most personal level.
It got to the point where I could not take it anymore, and I got back in touch with the Sgt and he called and spoke to the stalker directly (because I still wanted to avoid having to be in court with him). The Sgt. called me afterward and told me the guy had been apologetic on the phone and said he would stop (pattern here???) but the very next day, more crazy, obsessive emails came in. That’s when I said “OK, enough!” and went in and filed Criminal Stalking Charges against him.
Part III is HERE
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82 Responses to “Part II”
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October 22nd, 2010 @ 9:06 am
Wow, and to think that I am naive enough to think that this would never happen in a small town. Hopefully you can put this all behind you soon and get on with your wonderful life.
October 22nd, 2010 @ 9:11 am
This is just totally unreal and something you see in the movies or large cities!!! I am totally flabbergasted!
October 22nd, 2010 @ 9:18 am
see, you’re supposed to ignore, but for the legal process you MUST engage. you can’t win.
October 22nd, 2010 @ 9:26 am
I just had to comment and say I am blown away and sorry that this happened. Otherwise I am speechless…
October 22nd, 2010 @ 9:39 am
I wonder…if the “requirement” of someone accused to be able to face their accuser, can someday be turned over for the victim. As you said Shreve in this day & age of skype and such, there is no reason one should have to be in the same room.
October 22nd, 2010 @ 9:40 am
I’ve been wanting to read “The Gift of Fear” for ages. I’m glad it helped you.
I remember years ago when some guy was arrested for stalking Madonna. She said that by forcing her to appear in court with him in order to get the protective order she needed, the court was giving him exactly what he wanted. She was now just a few feet away and he was likely interpreting that as voluntary contact with him. You are right that in the age of Skype, this is obscene. We should start a grassroots campaign to have this law changed.
October 22nd, 2010 @ 9:43 am
Again, thanks for sharing this. What you describe about the legal process is depressing but matches other accounts of stalking I’ve come across.
Your courage and resolve in the face of this terrorism is heartening. Stay well.
October 22nd, 2010 @ 9:44 am
I am so sorry that this happened to you. It is a horrendous thing to happen to anyone.
I did want to say one other thing though. I’m a lawyer, and I worked in criminal law for a while (I worked for a judge – so I had to examine constitutional arguments a lot, including about the right to confront accusors).
There are some safeguards in place to allow victims to not have to be in the same room with their accusors, but that’s reserved for cases when extreme psychological trauma would result from a face to face encounter (often it’s used for sexuall abused children).
The reason that defendants have the right to face their accusors is from back when the crown would bring in “witnesses” to tell the judge or jury that someone did something, and the defendant never got to even hear the story to try to argue against it. Obviously today we have skype and teleconferencing, but the law moves very slowly with these things.
Judges swear to uphold the constitution, and the right to “confront” your accusor is one of the parts of it. It certainly isn’t a pleasant thing for the victim (nothing is pelasant for any victim of crime), but the underpinning of it is important for justice to be done.
I think that we need to move more quickly to ways to used closed circuit TV, etc effectively to protect victims, but I thought you might be interested to hear a little bit more about that rule and why it is there.
It’s not that the judges and lawyers don’t care about the victims, we really really do, but we also have to think about the constitution and the rights of defendants (I often used to think of it as “if this guy were really innocent, would this rule make sense?”)
Anyway, thank you for sharing your story.
October 22nd, 2010 @ 10:02 am
I’m so, so sorry you had to endure this. I’m a big believer in good things coming out of bad experiences, and I think that your sharing your experience is a gift to anyone else who may be unfortunate enough to need this information.
October 22nd, 2010 @ 10:10 am
Why don’t you leak his contact info so we can stalk him :-)
October 22nd, 2010 @ 10:11 am
Fascinating. I’m sorry that you are able to share this story — in other words, I’m sorry that it happened at all — but I applaud you for sharing your learning with all of us, and I appreciate it.
October 22nd, 2010 @ 10:18 am
I’m down with leaking his contact info for retribution. Payback’s a b****.
My other comment is that the government is so, SO incredibly behind technologically. What makes sense in the real world, often does not make sense in the government world due to bureaucratic red tape, funding, politics, etc. And a lot of that crap is the same reason we have so much national debt. But that’s a rant for another day.
If I were the victim, I would dread being in the same room with the scum-bag too.
October 22nd, 2010 @ 10:29 am
Not surprised at all – and that’s what I think is so sad and horrible. So many of us know exactly what you’ve gone (and are going) through.
Good for you for hanging tough.
October 22nd, 2010 @ 10:49 am
What a nasty bucket of camel wank this guy is!
I always wonder why some people just don’t *get* it, what part of “stop, go away” is so difficult to understand?
Hang in there, go hug the critters to relax. I’m sure even writing these posts has to be draining.
October 22nd, 2010 @ 11:02 am
“Leaking” this man’s contact would be foolish. He is seriously disturbed and dangerous. A bunch of people writing nasty things to him would only feed his obsession not intimidate him.
October 22nd, 2010 @ 11:17 am
Leak his contact info? Do two wrongs make a right?
Shreve, you’re paying the price of celebrity and being, as my son puts it, “Smokin’ Hot!”
It’s a shame there are weird people out there but there are, I’m afraid, you read about people being stalked much too often.
I hope nothing like this will ever happen again but if it does you’ll be better equipped to deal with it.
All the best to you and yours, give Eli, Charlie and Chloe some ear scratching for me!
October 22nd, 2010 @ 11:21 am
Wowza, this story is giving me the heebie geebies. Chillingly too real actually, and a very personal thing. I had an experience with someone who was harassing me, threateningly, and I felt afraid and very alone – thank goodness that you have a support system!!!! And guts!!!!
Am anxiously awaiting part III…
October 22nd, 2010 @ 11:28 am
Maybe us commenting makes him feel powerful. Should we all ignore this d*ck and get on with our lives? I’ve been stalked. The campus cops did nothing. It was awful. I eventually just lived in a friend’s apt. off campus to escape. My stalked finally left. He went to the same school my sister went to, and creepily, would kinda stalk her and constantly ask about me. It was a nightmare. He finally killed himself. It was, sadly, a breath of fresh air.
October 22nd, 2010 @ 11:29 am
Having been a victim myself, of a stalker, I completely understand your emotions. When I finally did go to court, as we were standing outside the courtroom waiting our turn, I said to friends who were with me …. he’s arrived. I had my back turned, to all except the wall, and had no way of knowing he was there, except I was breaking out in hives … again. By the way, we did win and I was able to get documents intoduced into court files so that if he ever tried it again in my town …. Keep strong and doing what your doing and follow your gut instincts.
October 22nd, 2010 @ 11:30 am
Never give people so much power over you that you are afraid to face them in person. It is the strongest thing you will ever do and they will know it. (And before people say “how would you know, you haven’t been in this situation” perhaps you should stop assuming.)
October 22nd, 2010 @ 12:07 pm
Thanks for giving us all a bit of an education in this matter.
stay strong and resilient.
October 22nd, 2010 @ 12:16 pm
Shreve, as if you weren’t already amazing and brave and ballsy enough…thank you for continuing to share with us. Your experience WILL help others. I just know it will.
October 22nd, 2010 @ 12:47 pm
So sorry this is going on Shreve…I hope that all is better by now. You’ll be in my thoughts…
October 22nd, 2010 @ 12:48 pm
David, I wouldn’t presume to speak for Shreve, but commenting on the “smokin’ hot” appearance of a woman writing about her experience with a stalker is probably not the most sensitive thing you could do. Suggesting that it’s just the price she has to pay for being herself is a rather insidious sort of victim-blaming.
Whether your comments bothered Shreve or not, I can say with certainty that there are many victims of stalkers that they would bother. Please consider that in the future.
October 22nd, 2010 @ 12:49 pm
NO one, NO woman should have to endure what you have. A big part of the problem, as I see it, is that for many men women have no ‘value’. Except as an object. I’m not certain how to change the way the world views females. It’s sick.
Blessings to you, and to all who are caught up in like circumstances.
October 22nd, 2010 @ 12:55 pm
Thanks for sharing, Shreve. Sorry you had to go through this, and I hope nothing like it ever happens again. Don’t have a lot to say, but wanted to let you know that you are supported by so many, even if you don’t really “know” them. Hope that means something.
October 22nd, 2010 @ 1:22 pm
In the initial process did the police do a background check on this guy to determine if he had a criminal history? Or had been “talked to” before for harassment?
October 22nd, 2010 @ 1:59 pm
Thanks for sharing this Shreve. I hope that it is in some way cathartic for you to get it out. You know you have many of us behind you and sending positive vibes your way. Stay safe.
October 22nd, 2010 @ 2:07 pm
Took the words right out of my mouth Fox. Period. I second that.
October 22nd, 2010 @ 2:42 pm
on a different subject, from the tweet: any baby alpaca pictures?
October 22nd, 2010 @ 2:44 pm
Cara, thanks for that perspective on the legal process.
October 22nd, 2010 @ 3:23 pm
Bravo Teaspoon, my sentiments exactly…I feel David’s poor choice of words to Shreve come from a very ignorant place.
October 22nd, 2010 @ 3:27 pm
I’m really sorry that you had to go through that, and judging by the comments, too many of us have had to deal with creepy people (of course, no one should have to worry with people like that). I’m thinking it might be good for me to read the book you mentioned. I hope I can learn some good things from it.
October 22nd, 2010 @ 3:44 pm
Teaspoon – Your words are perfect.
Fox – It’s not about being afraid – it’s about giving the guy access to what he wanted in the first place. The principle is what I take issue with.
October 22nd, 2010 @ 5:31 pm
So sorry about this. So stressful for you.
Be strong.
October 22nd, 2010 @ 5:47 pm
There are sicko’s everywhere. I don’t understand why some people think “it would never happen here”. Pervs are everywhere.
I can only partially comprehend the complete invasion you must have been feeling. I hate that you had to face him, but from the title of your next post, maybe he will now leave you alone.
I’m glad you have a cowboy close by!
October 22nd, 2010 @ 6:00 pm
If they can use video conferencing in Morris, IL, a small town southwest of Chicago, so that they do not have to bring the criminals to the courthouse for their hearings, they should be able to do the same in WY.
YOU did nothing wrong yet our court system is so screwed up that you are the one who is make to suffer by the face-to-face.
Hang in there,,,you know you have all of us behind you!
October 22nd, 2010 @ 6:15 pm
How does a person not engage a would-be stalker when they do not know that the person is wired this way? It seems that in the course of going about ones life, being kind to all equally, this kindness can be misconstrued and thus the nightmare begins. How utterly wrong.
Shreve, if I could I’d wave a magic wand to make this have never happened. Since I do not have these powers, I am trying to think about what could be positive about this. Not much at all, except that you have made the decision to use the vehicle of this blog to reach hundreds??? thousands??? to share your experience with all of us. I thank you for this.
ps: How’s Eli these days?
October 22nd, 2010 @ 7:15 pm
Shreve,
I agree with you that it’s the principle of having to physically face your predator that matters, and is so wrong. I mean REALLY, you’re seeking a RESTRAINING ORDER against someone who wants nothing more than to get close to you!
I have someone in my life who has harrassed me for years, a family member no less. I wanted nothing to do with her and told her so quite clearly. She went so far as to hire a private investigator who followed me around for a time and took pictures of me, and did who knows what else, digging around in my life! I found out about it after the fact and just about exploded with rage. A total invasion of privacy! It was such a creepy feeling it made me physically sick. She knows I do not like having my picture taken and did it out of spite, among other insane and unsavory reasons.
I talked to a lawyer who said I had a good case against her, and that I also had grounds to seek a restraining order, but then I learned that I’d have to go to court and she’d be there as well. As mad as I was, I simply would not allow her the satisfaction of pushing my buttons and getting what she ultimately wanted – physical contact. Besides, she is crazy enough to ignore a restraining order anyway.
I know this doesn’t equate to what you have been going through, I just wanted to say I can relate to it on some level.
Stay safe.
October 22nd, 2010 @ 7:53 pm
I’m so glad you’re bringing this guy to justice. He’s obviously not going to stop until someone makes him stop.
You are so brave to deal with this horrible experience with such grace.
October 22nd, 2010 @ 8:01 pm
Your blog is such a gift to us, to peep into your wonderful, different life, that to abuse this gift is beyond my comprehension.
Stay safe, stay strong. you are an extraordinary person and I really am so sorry this happened to you.
October 22nd, 2010 @ 9:15 pm
Thank you so much for sharing your experiences, Shreve. I imagine that it is hard enough to sit down and re-hash everything, and I commend you for doing so. Your journey continues to inspire me.
October 22nd, 2010 @ 10:22 pm
I’m remembering that chapter in your book when Charlie had the upper hand, or paw as it were, and was intimidating you in your house and you had to deliberately and with conscious awareness change the pattern in your relationship to make it work.
Although it’s not the same, I find this lesson seems to be one learned over and over in relationships with people.
They have to be dealt with in a particular way and it can be very uncomfortable having to do it. For example, people that force me to be blunt with them (because they are rude or inappropriate). I don’t like confrontation and I don’t like conflict and my tendency is to back down. But if I’m pushed to the brink by a certifiable loon or a sociopath (and I’ve met a few), I’ve learned not to back down and to stand my ground and show them I mean business.
I sense in the build up of this story that you become even more empowered and I can’t wait to read the whole story.
October 22nd, 2010 @ 10:30 pm
P.S. I don’t mean to put the stalker in the same category as a person who is merely rude, btw. Rereading my comment I see it may seem I am minimizing his behaviour by comparing it, and I didn’t mean to do that. Also, I didn’t mean to imply the stalker is the equivalent of Charlie either!!! Rather I was thinking of how some people force us to have to behave in a way we’d rather not. And then they also blame us. It’s
insidious. Anyway, I hope I didn’t offend.
I also echo teaspoon. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard a man attribute harassment to a woman’s appearance or dress. That’s just BS. And totally tacky.
October 22nd, 2010 @ 11:23 pm
Awe Shreve, I’m so sorry you had to endure that. :( Thanks for sharing your story though. If this ever happens to any of us reading out there (or has happened to anyone reading) it is good to know what to do and that someone else has gone through the hassles, stress, and fear of this absurd and scary situation. I hope this never happens to you again <3
October 23rd, 2010 @ 7:36 am
shreve walk softly and carry a big…taser, gun ,machete,flame thrower,bat, stick whatever! I read a quote recently from a blog about how to protect yourself physically as a woman and it was”ladies, remember you are the weapon” I took this literally and figuratively. Sorry for the creep latch….he will get his one day……
October 23rd, 2010 @ 8:53 am
Shreve, the courts have in some cases involving child victims allowed testimony to be taped or video-conferenced from another room to avoid trauma to the child. The precedent has been set and I think it is only a matter of time before a lawyer finally argues that avoiding trauma to ANY victim regardless of age should weigh more heavily than the “right” of a suspect to inflict more injury. As you mentioned, the legal proceedings guaranteed the suspect something he could not achieve without a court appearance, the ability to see you face to face. I shudder to think that he got what he ultimately wanted; to see you in person; by forcing you to file charges against him. The law guaranteed him something he could not achieve without it. I loved working in law enforcement but hated the way some lawyers perverted the system to get guilty people out of responsibility for their actions.
As always, Shreve, if ever I can be of assistance in any way, please let me know.
October 23rd, 2010 @ 8:58 am
So, if rules RE: face to face can be changed in Morris, IL (I know that town!), do changes need to be initiated on a local level? state level?
October 23rd, 2010 @ 9:02 am
There were so many posts above, I just saw Cara’s history behind the “facing your accusers”. I know much of our legal system came from English Common Law, but I sometimes wish the legal system would keep up with the society which it is designed to protect. But thank you, Cara for the background. Change happens so quickly in today’s society. It is regretable the legal system can not keep up.
October 23rd, 2010 @ 11:15 am
sending love and safe thoughts to you;)
October 23rd, 2010 @ 11:42 am
@Jerry Johnson
Organized religion doesn’t keep up with todays society why should the legal system?
October 23rd, 2010 @ 1:01 pm
I agree the defendant should have the right to face their accuser – when it’s an accuser and not a victim. In this case though there was no doubt there was a victim: they apologized for their actions (thus admitting guilt and it’s no longer an accusation) not only to the victim but to an officer of the law. At this point the defendant should loose their right to face their victim.
October 23rd, 2010 @ 1:15 pm
Teaspoon, you said it exactly the way I was thinking it. I would like to add that David should pass this lesson onto his son, who seems to already have the mind set that is so demeaning to women. Women are not put on this Earth for you to ogle and judge.
October 23rd, 2010 @ 3:26 pm
You said the book says don’t make contact with the stalker. It seems that you had to according to the law because otherwise he could say he didn’t know it bothered you. Also as much as I want to read this I also worry that you shouldn’t write about it. Just worried for you and hope all stays safe.
October 23rd, 2010 @ 3:29 pm
Like your scum-sucking, bottom-dwelling, freak o’ nature stalker, my verbally abusive, violent husband would apologize profusely to me, to counselors, and to those in law enforcement, then his behavior would be more bizarre than ever. It’s simply impossible to comprehend the mental illness and predict the instability of these guys. I finally had to file for divorce. He was so whacked, so convinced he was entitled and right, he believed he could manipulate the court system into getting his way, so he forced the divorce into a 3-day court battle. Here’s one of the ways my experience was different, Shreve. The day before the scheduled trial, a judge requested a meeting to attempt to reach a settlement and avoid a trial – she had my husband in one room, and me in another and moved back and forth between the rooms. She actually told my husband that he would be annihilated if the divorce were to be brought to trial, but he would have nothing of it. (See, he DID manipulate the entire court system, so it’s easy to understand how victims have such a terrible time of it!) Of course, as predicted, he was annihilated in court (different, male judge). I can’t begin to tell you how helpful it was to speak with a judge the day prior to the trial without having my husband in the same room with me. It was still traumatic (shook like a leaf) to see him in court, but not nearly as debilitating as it could have been. Your experience may now already be resolved (oh, how I hope so!!!), but if not, when the optimum high-tech solutions are not an option, I hope they extend the legal courtesy to you to be questioned in separate rooms. Of course, there are legal differences between your situation and mine, but just thought I’d throw it out there, just in case you have any police/court issues ahead of you.
Please delete this post if necessary for safety reasons or any reason at all. I posted it here instead of sending a private email in case anyone else is going through something like this now and could benefit from the info.
October 23rd, 2010 @ 8:18 pm
Shreve, I can’t hardly take knowing you had to go through this. I am a woman who belives in prayer and I am praying for you.
Sherry y
October 23rd, 2010 @ 8:20 pm
There was a OPPS above I was going to say Sherry said it perfect above how I feel also.
October 24th, 2010 @ 6:38 am
At least now there are actual stalking laws that at least attempt to help the victim. I was stalked 17 years ago when no one took it very seriously.
That, combined with the threats of my stalker (who was an ex-boyfriend), had me living in a state of constant fear, with no one in law enforcement able to do anything “unless he physically hurts you”.
It got so bad, I joined the military to get away from him. Turned out to be the best thing that I ever could have done, but at the time it was just a means of escape.
I’ll be interested to read on how the legal process actually worked in your case. From the bit you’ve told us, it sounds like it was somewhat unsatisfactory, though.
October 24th, 2010 @ 8:27 am
This may be a bit of a odd post:
I was a carnie,we were surrounded by people havin fun, and some were out for trouble. No matter where you went, you were the outsider. The lot was home and when you left the lot, bring a friend.
I have a cousin who is a American icon in figure skating, Olympic Gold, Yata,yata. I went to see him at a event after he turned Pro. I met the family of one of his co-skaters. We got on the topic of stalking, the upshot was “The Rink is home, this is family, we look after one another.” They pool resources and keep each other from going bananas with press stalkers, and the other kind also.
You have the “Daily Coyote Family”, I have some law enforcement connections, If the stalking starts again, We Will Be There!
A HEY RUBE! will get me and what resources I can muster.
October 24th, 2010 @ 8:49 am
Additional,
The figure skater is Scott Hamilton
The Carnival was Davis Amusements out of OR
The law enforcement people are a Deputy Marshal DOJ and a former FBI White House guy, he was on Reagan and GHWB watches, now a PI, and also a cousin.
October 24th, 2010 @ 12:56 pm
Regarding stalkers, and confrontation, and the stalker believing erroneously that they have a relationship, I remind everyone of Hinkley, Jodi Foster’s stalker. When she ignored him, he went and shot the President of the United States, Ronald Reagan, to get her attention. She had to testify at his trial, the trial of her stalker, for shooting the President. The attorney asked her to describe her relationship with Hinkley, and she replied that she had no relationship with him. Hinkley then burst into hysterical sobs. Hang tough Shreve. Unfortunately, I’m not surprised that Cro-Magnon man (you’re paying the price for being smokin’ hot) has internet access.
October 24th, 2010 @ 2:43 pm
I’m saddened and disturbed by some of the comments left on on Part 1 and Part 2. You had “Ray Marotta” on Part 1 asking you to make your blogging “less girly”. (And I’d seriously like to know what part of hacking one’s own fenceposts, building one’s own fence, and caring for one’s own livestock is girly!)
Now, on this entry, you’ve got “David”, and indirectly his son, implying that the victim is in some way deserving of stalking due to her physical appearance.
There aren’t very many males commenting on this site compared to female posters. The fact that two of the most insulting comments came from guys when there aren’t even many guys here is very disheartening. (I’m wording this very badly, so I hope it makes some kind of sense.)
Ray and David & Son, please try to be more considerate in the future.
October 24th, 2010 @ 2:58 pm
I just deleted a comment.
When people share their opinions in my comment section, I am grateful and I find it so interesting – regardless of what their opinion is. BECAUSE of how varied opinions are.
However, if you start slinging 7th grade level insults at other commenters, you get deleted.
My comment policy is explicitly outlined here:
http://honeyrockdawn.com/contact/
My heartfelt thanks to all who participate.
October 24th, 2010 @ 3:48 pm
Why bother physically confronting somebody who is so messed up?
I can think of two reasons:
1. to make sure they got the right guy.
2. conflicts are resolved with commitment and education. Most people do bad things because they don’t know any better. The root problem with pathological behavior is self-absorption. A little bit of commitment and education is the pick-axe that breaks through.
I love the look of gratification a child gets with a bit of cause and effect explanation. They finally get it that the connection is between behavior and outcome (controlling yourself), not themselves and outcome (victim role-playing).
To protect oneself from someone with confused boundaries of perceived reality clouded with self-absorption, the unfortunate option is slightly higher boundaries on blogging, more selective disclosure, being less open and personal. It’s a bit like putting on blogging burkha. As a guy, I have to do the same thing. Somebody might use my on-line information against me. I can’t control that.
October 24th, 2010 @ 3:54 pm
Wow, Shreve’s comment saying she had to delete another comment came right after mine posted. I hope the deleted comment wasn’t a response to mine. If it was in response, I apologize for indrectly causing the extra work on your part, Shreve!
October 25th, 2010 @ 9:07 am
Jackie/Montana (#56) – I agree and join with you in prayer… “where two or more are gathered…”
Shreve, I hope today finds you at least one step closer to resolution of this ugly situation, you are hugging Sir Baby, then enjoying a milk bath while drinking Daisy’s ice cream milk. Shoot, you’re probably going to be able to leave a covered plastic tub of milk outside tonight and have real ice cream tomorrow morning. Got vanilla? Bon Apetit!
October 25th, 2010 @ 2:31 pm
Shreve, I’m not good with words, I can’t explain how angry this situation makes me feel or how sorry I am that this is happening to you. I can tell you that I believe in the power of positive thought, and I will be sending out lots of white light and positive vibes to help you through this.
October 26th, 2010 @ 8:54 am
Thank you, Shreve, for posting Part 2, and everyone else for your comments. Sadly, where women are concerned, it is not called “the criminal justice system” for nothing – way too often, the criminal gets what passes for “justice” and the victim is left to sink or swim on her own. Even with the law – and your good sargeant – on your side, Shreve, the creep gets what he wants instead of what he deserves. How screwed up is that?! The legal system needs to catch up to reality. But more than that, as a society, we need to stop blaming women for their victimization by others, and we need to stop thinking of women as “less than (fill-in-the-blank).” From where I sit, Shreve, you are nobody’s fool, and heaven (or hell) help the sicko Narcisist who thinks of you as “his.” And anyone, from any planet, seeing you in action, living your life, knows that far from “less than,” you are definitely “more than” anyone else they are likely to compare you with. I am still deeply troubled that you have had to go through all this, but I have to say that if you were my daughter, I couldn’t be more proud of who and what you are, and of how well you have handled this entire situation. Stay strong, be safe, know that we are all here for you and the farmily. Sending hugs and blessings to you all.
October 26th, 2010 @ 2:20 pm
shreve, thank you for being brave, yourself, open, & giving women around the world an example of living your life outright.
re david’s comments – when i first read them, it didn’t seem to me, from the tone, that he was ‘blaming the victim’ but rather commenting on what too often happens in our society when attractive people lead public lives & those with deep, sick, & scary psychological issues focus on them.
it is simply human nature to note that others are or are not attractive. i imagine, shreve, you’re getting quite a few comments on how attractive the photos in the Cowboy Calendar are – and not just because they’re stunning, professional-level, sepia-toned images, either. should david have made the comment the way he did? no. but it seemed innocent of judgment & harm, either intentional or not.
as many of us, including shreve, have mentioned, it’s hard to know if someone is going to turn into a threat; one of the pointers for women is if someone too readily comments on physical appearance – which is what, i think, david’s comments triggered in the context of this discussion. one gets the feeling he hasn’t known a woman who’s been stalked, and doesn’t quite fathom the depth of horror she faces.
which seems to be the case with our legal system as well. back in the 70s, we hoped that more women in more fields would create a more balanced, just approach within the corporate, legal, martial, & government cultures. 40 years down the road, & you still have to be in the same room with your tormentor. i am so sorry – we seem to have dropped the ball somewhere along the line.
luckily, there are women like you who are picking it back up. thank you – you have my admiration & appreciation.
October 26th, 2010 @ 6:08 pm
Shreve,
I admire your bravery on many levels. Though I’ve never posted, I absolutely loved your books and follow your blogs regularly. I just want you to know you’re in my thoughts and I’m sending positive, healthy, happy wishes your way. This too shall pass. Take care of yourself.
October 27th, 2010 @ 11:49 am
Shreve,
You’re an amazing soul. I’ve been following you for some time (just ordered my new calendar! so excited!) and just wanted to say how sorry I am that you’ve gone through this. I cannot imagine what it’s been like, but hopefully, you’ll never have to endure anything like this again.
Thanks for being the unique model of strength and character that you are.
Elise
October 27th, 2010 @ 6:53 pm
I just hope it’s all stopped since his arrest!
October 28th, 2010 @ 1:34 pm
Shreve,
I am so sorry that you are having to go through this.
I had to deal with a stalker during college. He was a guy I met in a church group. He got upset that all he and I would be was friends and it got scary fast. Driving by my house, coming to my work place, standing outside my classes. If he found out where I was going to be he would be there.It made going to ht ebarn in the early mornings hard.
One night he showed up when my family was out of town. Luckily a friend was over and another friend was on his way. This guy was running around the house trying to get in through the basement and looking for an open window. He even went so far to cut the phone line to the house. And this was before cell phones. Luckily my other friend came by,. Saw this guys car parked two houses up and went straight to the police station. Friend came back with two cruisers and a K9 unit.
This had gone on for two years. I eventually married and moved out of state. But then came back home. I still shudder when I see a car like this guy had or see someone that looks like him.
October 29th, 2010 @ 6:40 am
I’m really sorry to hear you’ve had to deal with this. Wrong, wrong wrong.
October 30th, 2010 @ 7:57 pm
I’m reading your book right now and am engrossed!! My 74 year old Mom recommended it highly and we both LOVE it.
I have had 4 stalkers in my 40 years of life. They have all been different in their approach ~ from just a phone stalker all the way to one who escalated and showed up at my doorstep with a weapon (not sure if it was intended for me as something scared him off, thankfully). Needless to say, I can totally relate to your approach with your creepy-stalker-dude. I have a similar personality as you, so it somehow makes it more “normal” after reading your experience. However, I am embarrassed to have had 4. Four? FOUR! Good Lord… I even went through a period where I would ask every normal person in my life if I was doing anything that would attract said Creepiness. But you know what? We all have to just expect weirdos to pop their heads in our direction once in a while. The world is full of them, unfortunately. Even when I moved to the “boonies”, then moved to a Yuppyville of sorts, and finally to a boring suburb… they are everywhere.
Take care, and thank you for an excellent read. Keep writing, and smooch Charlie on the nose from this fan!
~HJ
November 1st, 2010 @ 10:34 am
Oh Shreve I am so glad you read the book! I have been worried – and got a little sentimental when you said that you read it. I knew you were Aries!! We’re pretty damn tough girls!
My thoughts are still with you regarding this… keep your cowboy close, keep your gun closer….
November 1st, 2010 @ 4:56 pm
Oh my goodness Shreve, I don’t see why on Earth good people like you have to deal with people like that. You have my sympathy, and I’m now very glad that I’ve never been stalked(and hopefully never will be). I hope you never have to go through something like that again.
Also, thank you, for the wonderful blog and pictures of Charlie, they’re awesome. And hey, some good DID come out of this, maybe. Now we all know how to deal with stalkers, and who knows, your story could very well help people in these situations.
~RCF
November 13th, 2010 @ 8:49 am
Sadness. I feel sick reading this. I’m glad everything’s OK on your end because I thought something might be up with a family member. Never expected this though. Life can be so unfair to those who deserve it least. Know that you engender much positive karmic resonance with what you do in the world.
December 6th, 2010 @ 1:25 pm
Thank you for passing on the book recommendation, The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker.
And thank you for your grace and courage in sharing this difficult experience with us.
May 15th, 2013 @ 6:26 am
I wish I would have knows all this in 2009. Had I known I could file a report against That Guy I might have walked away from my old town with a little more comfort. Now, although I am strong, and my husband strong, and even my lab puppy surprisingly strong and protective I still sometimes (but only sometimes) get that sick feeling that creepy Tim might find me in my new and happy place. I continue to trust that the power of my final words to creepy Tim MUST have struck a cord. Oh, the power words & threats can have on little men.
So anyway, thanks for your stories. I am only on chapter 3 of the daily coyote-and in a non “creepy Tim” way- have fallen in Philo Love with you and your stories. (I’m sure you hear this a lot, so here’s a penny **($.01)) We are in so many ways a like. Right down to the love of freedom and honey in our coffee.
Love, From Iowa
May 12th, 2014 @ 5:56 pm
It has apparently been four years since you lived this experience but I am sure you remember it well! I had a telephone stalker who harassed me for years. He never said anything–simply called and hung up. I knew who it was but there was nothing I could do about it. He followed me also and I would see him everywhere I went though he never approached me. I changed my phone number many times but he always found the new number even though it was unlisted. When I moved to San Diego from Texas, the calls followed me! Finally they stopped. I felt no danger from this person but it disturbed me emotionally very much. It was the feeling of being helpless that got to me. I appreciate you blogging about your stalker and sharing the book title Gift of Fear which I do intend to read.
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