Forever Cowgirl
☆ September 3, 2013
I’ve cried every day for the past eighteen days.
Some days it doesn’t last long; maybe 45 seconds.
Some days it goes on for hours.
Joslyn was in my book –
I wrote about feeding bum lambs with her in one of the first chapters.
When the book came out, she was off somewhere –
she was often off doing something amazing,
like apprenticing with a farrier and forging custom horseshoes.
On her way back in mid-November,
she stopped at a World Market to do some Christmas shopping
and saw my book on a display table.
She said it didn’t even register that it was my book,
that she was drawn to the picture and “Wyoming” in the subtitle,
and she picked it up and flipped to a random page and started reading.
She opened right to the passage I had written about her.
She told me she started tripping,
quickly looked back at the cover and it fully registered,
then started crying in the store
and bought half a dozen copies for gifts.
I’ve always loved that story –
to me, it’s not coincidence, but connection.
Part of what has made me so angry and sad these past weeks
is that it already feels like there is such an imbalance
between good vs shit where humanity is concerned
and she was so good.
So full of grace and genuine kindness.
She didn’t hold people’s flaws against them.
In this respect, I am a kindergartener
and she had a PhD.
But I will keep that part of her alive
by trying to make it a bigger part of me.
There’s that ubiquitous question:
If you could have anything, what would you wish for?
If we’re really honest, and really selfish,
wouldn’t our answers all be the same?
It’s not money.
It’s not world peace.
It’s having one more hour with those who have died.
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64 Responses to “Forever Cowgirl”
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September 3rd, 2013 @ 8:02 am
For some reason, all comments are going straight to spam; I am manually approving them whenever I’m in front of the computer – sorry for the delay and hassle……
September 3rd, 2013 @ 8:50 am
I remember.
She was extraordinary.
You placed her in a bigger world with your words, both then and now, for which I am thankful.
When you do that, you diminish the nothing by leaps and bounds. Then while you grieve, we hold up your sky for a while until you can again. As you have for us.
I hope you can feel our love, and I know it does not diminish the loss and that you just have to feel it. I am so sorry.
Love,
September 3rd, 2013 @ 8:52 am
I would love to see a picture of Joslyn.
September 3rd, 2013 @ 8:58 am
I shouldn’t have read this while at work. Now sitting in my office with tears in my eyes . Yes. You are right. Just one more hour to have with a departed loved one. That’s why we have to remember to make each day count . I do feel your loss.
September 3rd, 2013 @ 9:04 am
I’m crying with you right now.
<3
September 3rd, 2013 @ 9:41 am
Beautiful, Shreve, thank you.
September 3rd, 2013 @ 9:53 am
~As long as I can I will look at this world for both of us. As long as I can I will laugh with the birds, I will sing with the flowers, I will pray to the stars, for both of us~
Thinking of you Shreve~~
September 3rd, 2013 @ 10:02 am
Oh Shreve, At a time like this the right words are so hard to find.
But I am sorry to know about your friend.
Gentle Hug
September 3rd, 2013 @ 10:33 am
Joslyn and all our dearly departed live on in our hearts, our memories, our actions. and that’s why each and every day is precious. Peace to you Shreve & hugs
September 3rd, 2013 @ 10:39 am
If I could have anything I wished for, I’d want the ability to understand the impact of people and events on my life in the moment they exist. It has taken me years to understand some losses I’ve had – some of them really bitter years, and yet the impact that has come from them has always, always been beautiful and sustaining. I can’t wish for things to have happened differently since these awful events have changed the course and shape of my life, but I wish I wouldn’t spend such a long time wondering why. The closest I can get to that spot is to try and appreciate those small moments with people I love and to allow my feelings to wash over me like waves, knowing that each is a step down my new life’s path.
I’m so sorry for your loss. And I’m sorry the world is so mercilessly unfair sometimes. The only way to even out the random chaos of the universe is to be good to one another.
September 3rd, 2013 @ 10:47 am
I’m sorry for the loss of your friend.
September 3rd, 2013 @ 11:39 am
“she didn’t hold peoples flaws against them”
thanks for the reminder of the existence of this virtue.
i will pay more attention.
September 3rd, 2013 @ 12:03 pm
So sorry to hear that, Shreve… :(
September 3rd, 2013 @ 12:30 pm
My deepest condolences to you love, xo
September 3rd, 2013 @ 12:40 pm
I remember her in your book. My husband lost his brother earlier this year. He was my age, just 42 years old. But loss at any age is difficult to grasp.
September 3rd, 2013 @ 1:05 pm
This. Now I’m in tears. I wish simplicity, joy, and quality time was more a part of societies priorities. I’m at least glad to hear about others who break out of the mold. *hugs*
September 3rd, 2013 @ 1:16 pm
So sorry for your loss Shreve.
September 3rd, 2013 @ 1:16 pm
I recently lost someone I loved dearly – I felt cut off at the knees.
All of the comments here are beautiful – and yes, one even just one more hour would be perfect.
September 3rd, 2013 @ 1:40 pm
Your heartbreakingly beautiful and powerful tribute to Joslyn has me sobbing at my desk. I weep for a woman I have never met while I selfishly wish for one more hour with a woman miss every day.
Kindergartener and PhD…just one more hour…
September 3rd, 2013 @ 3:07 pm
Hey Shreve
I am so sorry for the loss of your friend. One more hour…my Mom….but an hour would never be enough :(
September 3rd, 2013 @ 3:35 pm
So very sorry for your loss Shreve. So beautifully put into words.
September 3rd, 2013 @ 3:42 pm
Sending you a virtual hug and my deepest condolences.
September 3rd, 2013 @ 3:52 pm
so sorry. losing wonderful dynamic people leaves such a hole. yes, I would give everything I have for another hour with my mutch (grandmother).
September 3rd, 2013 @ 4:22 pm
Memories do indeed keep our loved ones in our hearts and minds and through us they live on for others in those stories that are shared.
Joslyn sounds like a lovely person, the kind that all of our would treasure as a friend. I didn’t know her, but I can feel your deep sense of loss and I offer my condolences to you and those who did know her.
September 3rd, 2013 @ 4:57 pm
Sorry for your loss Shreve…but what a beautiful way to remember her.
September 3rd, 2013 @ 5:34 pm
You’re in my thoughts and prayers..sorry for your loss
September 3rd, 2013 @ 6:12 pm
Unfortunately the shit is what makes the headlines. We are all so bereft of news about the very many, more numerous, people and acts of kindness that are everywhere in the world. That’s because the good news doesn’t sell. Those wonderful people and their charitable loving hearts are around us and around the world. And we are charged with the task of remembering the loving/giving ones even though it’s the negative news that affronts us daily.
The more profound question is why Joslyn was taken from walking this earth at such a young age. It’s a heartbreaker that she didn’t stay longer. But clearly, she inspired the best from the ones who knew her from up close and from far away. I think what we have to do is choose to celebrate her life and not be discouraged by the brevity of it.
One thing more, Shreve. You are so fortunate to have touched elbows with Joslyn and she was equally as fortunate to have had you enriching her life. I believe it.
September 3rd, 2013 @ 6:41 pm
I don’t have any words of wisdom. Sorrow just sucks and I too am sending you a telepathic hug. Peace and love to you and the others that are missing her terribly.
September 3rd, 2013 @ 7:51 pm
No words just sending love.
September 3rd, 2013 @ 9:01 pm
Hugs to ease the pain
September 3rd, 2013 @ 10:49 pm
These special people, shine, like candles in the darkness. Sometimes I feel exactly like you that imbalance between dark and light has gotten so skewed, so off balance.
But these ‘lights’ remind of us of what we can be, what to reach for, what love is.
They are the blessings that walk on two legs, or sometimes four legs…
I look at the stars at night. The dark illuminates their shine. I hope those we love are shining somewhere like the stars, for that’s what they were born to do.
In the darkness, they are the beauty, the light.
Be comforted that those who read your words share your loss. But we are also a little jealous of the time you spent with Joslyn..
She must be amazing…
September 4th, 2013 @ 3:48 am
Love and peace to you Shreve and all who loved Joslyn <3
September 4th, 2013 @ 5:19 am
It is with such sadness that one thinks of another who is mourning…wish it could be “made well”, but, since that is not possible, please know that you are in the thoughts of so many who wish you peace.
I do not believe I have heard who Joslyn was
in your life. Would you be able to tell us?
September 4th, 2013 @ 5:32 am
My wish would be just one more hour to say good by.
September 4th, 2013 @ 6:10 am
We gasp in realizing the losses in our lives. We fight to keep on breathing. In. Out. And, gradually the battle to keep on going becomes a little easier. Love guides the healing and then, finally, love becomes the memory. Spirits will stay connected through love – forever.
September 4th, 2013 @ 7:38 am
It’s having one more hour with those who have died.
It very much is. I was going to call my dad on Cinco de Mayo, as is our wont, and got distracted. The next morning, I got the call.
It still doesn’t feel real, 3 years later. It just feels like he’s on a really long photography trip. I still find myself picking up my phone to call and ask some random thing about cooking, only to stop and go “oh wait… yeah.”
On the plus side, I have my lil Dab o’ Dad sitting at my computer, and goodness knows I see him clearly every time I look in a mirror.
But what I would give for one more hour.
September 4th, 2013 @ 8:36 am
How true that is – just one more hour. I would even settle for a hug from my dad. I’m sure all of your wonderful farmily wish they could give you a hug as I’m sure they are aware of the sadness you are feeling. You give so much to all of us Shreve – wish there was more we could do for you. Thinking of you and sending hugs.
September 4th, 2013 @ 9:39 am
Oh honey! So sorry you are hurting! Wish there was anything anyone could say or do to make it better :(
September 4th, 2013 @ 11:19 am
My wonderful Husband of 35 years died Sunday the 1st after over a 2 year fight with cancer. We went to high school together. No kids. I miss him so much. I have been with him my whole life. Just another hour to just hug. He gave the best hugs. I always felt safe there. Yeah, I’d take another hour with him if I could have it.
September 4th, 2013 @ 11:57 am
Love your words. Thanks for sharing this story. It touches deep.
September 4th, 2013 @ 2:21 pm
What Caitlin said.
We’re all out here filled with love and support. Hope you can feel it.
Hang in there, Shreve.
September 4th, 2013 @ 2:46 pm
What a beautiful post, and so true. Tears in my eyes. So sorry for your loss.
September 4th, 2013 @ 5:00 pm
Today is my brother’s birthday. He would have been 29 but he died in a car accident back in January of 2010. Reading this today made me feel connected. Thanks for sharing.
September 4th, 2013 @ 7:06 pm
Hugs to you. I am so very sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing her story with us. She will live on in your words
V
September 4th, 2013 @ 7:16 pm
Oh sweet girl, I am so, so sorry. My heart breaks for you. As I said to Mike when he lost his beloved Houdini, I wish I could take the hurt, even for just a little while, so you could simply breathe easier for a bit. Hugs and empathy-tears for you, in spades.
My deepest condolences to you and to those who have shared their losses here. I’m so sorry for the loss of your husband, Kerri, and for your brother, Autumn. God bless.
September 4th, 2013 @ 8:04 pm
your heartache is shared by so many, sometimes it helps just to know that someone cares—–you are loved!!
September 4th, 2013 @ 9:05 pm
I celebrate your blog. My heart is so full of the love expressed by your followers. Know that you are loved by many.
September 5th, 2013 @ 6:30 am
So very, abjectly true.
Love to her family and to her loved ones. Love to you. Breathe the air; it was her air, too. No one is gone as long as you’ve still got them in you.
September 5th, 2013 @ 7:32 am
This type of loss never becomes ok. It is always there defying logic and leaving holes that never fill quite the same way. Thank you for sharing her with us in your book and connecting the dots in this tribute to her.
September 5th, 2013 @ 8:42 pm
Hugs…..
My wish would be to have more memories and capacity for them. When this life is done, what remains are memories others have of us. They are the only things that really matter. We live to impact others.
Human or animals….
September 6th, 2013 @ 9:15 pm
Sometimes there just are no words…
September 7th, 2013 @ 8:25 pm
My sympathies for your loss. Your poem / essay is a moving tribute.
September 8th, 2013 @ 1:07 pm
You have my deepest condolences. As Deborah said above, sometimes there just are no words. Sending you cyber hugs of solace and comfort.
September 9th, 2013 @ 11:16 am
Shreve,
I am so very sorry for your loss. I remember her from your book and you were both lucky to have each other in your lives.
Just this morning I got news that one of my 10 year old daughters friends(since KG) passed away over the weekend. Telling a child that her friend is gone is horrible. Seeing the grief. Hearing the cries and answering the question of “why” is not something that we were prepared for. As her family was not prepared to loose their daughter, grand daughter and niece.
loss is never easy or kind. Memories are a salve. A balm for the soul. Keep those. Heal with those. Never forget your friendship. Hold it close to your heart.
September 9th, 2013 @ 7:26 pm
I’m so sorry you lost your friend. My boyfriend passed away this year and your description of Joslyn reminds me of him. Non-judgmental, kind to everyone. saw life as a great adventure. I was very sad, not only at losing him, but for him, that he wouldn’t get to do all the great things he had ahead of him. I finally had a sort of visit from him, very recently and very real, that makes me believe he did complete what he needed to do and that he still has many more important things to do in the after-life. I don’t presume to know and I know the grief is terrible, but I’m sure it’s the same for your friend….Hugs Shreve
September 9th, 2013 @ 11:49 pm
Oh Shreve, I am so very, very sorry. All loss is so hard, but the loss of those who have touched us in special ways are always more difficult to bear. Joslyn sounds like such an amazing and spirited person, someone I would have loved to have met and just sat and listened to her tell stories of all her adventures. I bet she had the most incredible stories. Someone with a kind heart and who sees life as something to explore and enjoy, these people are rare and you are right to treasure your moments with her. I’m so sorry for your loss.
September 10th, 2013 @ 12:54 pm
Indeed.
My sincerest condolences.
September 10th, 2013 @ 1:51 pm
I’m so sorry for your loss – i know you feel the better for having known her and the void cannot be filled but we all send you love.
September 13th, 2013 @ 2:00 pm
Shreve, my sincerest condolences. To realise that the clock cannot be turned back is utterly painful.
As Patr said (50) – more memories and more capacity – to keep those, to treasure them, to share them, to have people around with whom to share, not just now, but esp. later on.
Have you read “Falling out of time” by David Grossman? Impressive.
September 14th, 2013 @ 6:10 am
Imagine what a different world it would be if we knew this moment would be our last. How much more we would treasure those we love, ask for forgiveness of those we have wronged and generally appreciated what we have.
We spend so much time worrying about crap and so little time being generous with those around us. Sounds like Joslyn found how to make life more beautiful simply by being generous of heart. God bless.
September 21st, 2013 @ 4:37 pm
Oh, Shreve, I’m stunned to hear of Joslyn’s passing and I’m so very sorry for your loss.
The next weeks and months will likely be a roller coaster ride, filled with many ups and downs. Eventually, the “ups” will outnumber and outweigh the “downs,” especially if you allow yourself to cry whenever and for however long you need.
I pray that your memories of Joslyn will soon bring you happiness instead of sorrow.
Sending hugs and wishing you peace,
With much love,
Theresa
(Sorry this is so late, but I’ve had a hell-of-a-summer and am just catching up now.)
September 26th, 2013 @ 5:18 pm
Thoughts are with you as you suffer with a loss.
Thank you for sharing.
October 3rd, 2013 @ 1:43 pm
It is so true, your last statement. My significant other Casey’s grandmother Gigi is so like my grandmother who passed away when I was 12, who I still dream about on occasion and who’s memory remains vivid in my mind. Being around Gigi is always bittersweet, because it almost feels like having at least part of my grandmother back. If she was still alive, I have no doubt they would be like sisters to each other.
Oh Shreve, your blog always cuts to the heart of me and makes me wonder how I get along without it when I drop away for months at a time. You are so unique and wonderful. My heart is with you during this sad time.
October 8th, 2013 @ 2:11 am
I am so sorry for your loss , I remember when reading our book for the first time thinking of how cool and amazing joselyn sounded. I hope I’m not being too intrusive but I recall from the book that she was quite young, how did she pass ? Was she ill ? I’m just so shocked to have read that , from the book she sounded like such a healthy girl.