Fire Just Waiting
☆ November 11, 2013
I bought a new car recently (it’s ten years old; new to me) and it’s the first car I’ve had with a CD player. I’m too lazy to play CDs on my computer – you slide it in, wait for it to load, play a song, change your mind, eject, find another, put it in, play that one for a while, eject again, etc, etc. But, remember tapes? I have such vivid picture-memories of old rooms and old apartments, the stereo or boom box surrounded by stacks of tapes with dozens more scattered across the floor. It was different with tapes.
Anyway. My CDs have sat in boxes gathering dust while I was lazy, streaming KEXP on my computer, until I got this car. This morning, as I relaxed into the heated seat (heated seats – what a revelation!) and flipped through a dusty box of disks, I spotted one I’d not listened to in…. a decade? One year, in the late 90s, I was addicted to Little Plastic Castle – I heard a piece of myself in every single song. This morning, I put it in for the 40 minute drive to town, and remembered the lyrics to all the songs, thanks to the freaky muscle memory of the mind. The first track hit me with nostalgia, but I found myself, again, in the second song.
Fuel:
They were digging a new foundation in Manhattan
And they discovered a slave cemetery there
May their souls rest easy
Now that lynching is frowned upon
We’ve moved on to the electric chair
And I wonder who’s gonna be president, tweedle dum or tweedle dumber?
And who’s gonna have the big blockbuster box office this summer?
How ’bout we put up a wall between houses and the highway
And then you can go your way, and I can go my way.
Except all the radios agree with all the TVs
And all the magazines agree with all the radios
And I keep hearing that same damn song everywhere I go
Maybe I should put a bucket over my head
And a marshmallow in each ear
And stumble around for another dumb-numb week
For another humdrum hit song to appear.
People used to make records
As in a record of an event
The event of people playing music in a room
Now everything is cross-marketing
It’s about sunglasses and shoes
Or guns and drugs
You choose.
We got it rehashed
We got it half-assed
We’re digging up all the graves
And we’re spitting on the past
And we can choose between the colors
Of the lipstick on the whores
Because we know the difference
Between the font of “20% More!”
And the font of “Teriyaki”
You tell me
How does it make you feel?
You tell me what’s real.
And they say that alcoholics are always alcoholics
Even when they’re as dry as my lips for years
Even when they’re stranded on a small desert island
With no place in 2,000 miles to buy beer
And I wonder Is he different?
Is he different?
Has he changed what’s he about?
Or is he just a liar with nothing to lie about?
Am I headed for the same brick wall
Is there anything I can do about
Anything at all?
Except go back to that corner in Manhattan
And dig deeper, dig deeper this time
Down beneath the impossible pain of our history
Beneath unknown bones
Beneath the bedrock of the mystery
Beneath the sewage system and the PATH train
Beneath the cobblestones and the water main
Beneath the traffic of friendships and street deals
Beneath the screeching of kamikaze cab wheels
Beneath everything I can think of to think about
Beneath it all, beneath all get out
Beneath the good and the kind and the stupid and the cruel
There’s a fire that’s just waiting for fuel.
It put into words how I’ve been feeling about blogging. Lately, I’ve felt confronted by so much commercialism and mimicry, and money being the goal rather than a happy byproduct of unfettered creativity. And this is why I’ve kind of faded out from blogging here – I think about it a fair amount, and feel guilt at times, but my drives have been elsewhere, and I think that’s OK and important for the kind of evolution I want for myself.
And, of course, the solution is in the song, too. I listened to the biography of Steve Jobs on my drive home from California this summer, and a particular quote struck me hard – I was driving through Utah and when I got home, remembered enough of it to google the whole quote: “The more the outside world tries to reinforce an image of you, the harder it is to continue to be an artist, which is why a lot of times, artists have to say, ‘Bye. I have to go. I’m going crazy and I’m getting out of here.’ And they go and hibernate somewhere. Maybe later they re-emerge a little differently.”
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46 Responses to “Fire Just Waiting”
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November 12th, 2013 @ 3:50 am
Yea Ani Difranco kicks ass. I have about 150cd albums and I never listen to them anymore. It’s ALLOT easier to have them all on the computer instead. But in the car cd’s are realy good. Though I burn my own cd’s sins they easy get scratched in the car player or if you accidentally drop it. Then you can also make your own “mix tapes”.
Tapes were better still, not so fragile.
November 12th, 2013 @ 7:07 am
I adore this entire post, from CDs and tape cassettes to recharging one’s batteries as a creative. Thank you.
November 12th, 2013 @ 7:59 am
Awesome.
I just started a blog and post very infrequently — always considering what I feel compelled to write and what it will add to the world.
I would rather wait for posts like this than read fluff on a daily basis.
November 12th, 2013 @ 8:19 am
You will do what’s right for you. If leaving here is what you need to do, you can be sure many of us will miss you.
Maybe we will see you in another evolved form……..
November 12th, 2013 @ 8:49 am
As you’ve mentioned many a time, trust your instincts – go wherever they may take you. Take the road less traveled and be true to your own heart, you can never go wrong.
It’s all about the ride ;-)
Hugs.
November 12th, 2013 @ 9:05 am
To quote…….”Resistance is Futile”……
I would rather resist than be indifferent as that would just be the same as death.
Go your own way.
November 12th, 2013 @ 9:47 am
Absolutely. I actually *just* closed down my blog after nearly 14 years. I need to hibernate too. (I’ve been listening to Ani’s “Coming Up” frome Dilate sooooo much lately.)
((Another option if you have wifi is Spotify.com. You can listen to just about anything you want at just a click. They aren’t paying me to say this–I just love ’em.))
Take your time, but leave the guilt. You don’t owe us anything. <3
November 12th, 2013 @ 9:57 am
I haven’t listened to that album in more than a decade either, but as I read those lyrics I could hear Ani’s voice, pacing, and pronunciation like the cd was playing right next to me. Thanks for the flashback!
You do what’s right for you. We have no legitimate claims on you. Take care of yourself.
November 12th, 2013 @ 10:27 am
i hate the thought of you feeling guilty. guilt is such a useless emotion…it solves nothing. people tend to imagine letting others down and therefore feel guilty, but ages ago my mom taught me the phrase “don’t should on yourself” and talking it to heart meant releasing myself from guilt. i hope you don’t should on yourself and do exactly what you need to do, when you need to do it. granted, i love your words and photos and jewelry, but i love your heart more. take care of you.
xoxo
November 12th, 2013 @ 11:47 am
I like to quote Steve Jobs as well. here is a few that I like.
Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart. and this…
Deciding what not to do is as important as deciding what to do.
November 12th, 2013 @ 1:01 pm
I have felt for some time that you were pulling back. At the beginning you were so full of energy/optimism/enthusiasm/wonder, which you still are, but maybe quieter. Then life started happening: stalker, Ricardo, and all the sharp thistles it brings.
I still want to know if you’ll ever get another goose and imprint it, how Charley does with maturity, what will happen with you and Mike ( if we’ll ever see a picture of his face) and Sir Baby and Fiona…your life has become part of mine, like friends who get to have coffee weekly. Right now it feels like death and loss. Let us know. Affectionally, Torch, San Jose
November 12th, 2013 @ 1:30 pm
I always felt that music was food for the soul. If you just can’t get things going or you are rushed off your feet put on a little music.
I still have a lot of the music I had when I was a kid but had to finally give in and get rid of the 8 tracks. Most of my records (33s, 45s, 78s) and cassettes are still playable tho a bit battered.
November 12th, 2013 @ 1:31 pm
If you want to go there, I believe they have iTunes for every platform. You load all of your CDs in and make playlists, either of the entire album or you can make “mixed tapes” and burn them to blank CDs.
I do this a lot for my job but I usually play them off the computer. No need to pop CDs in and out. I have mine stored as it would be a violation of copyright to put them on your computer or MP3 player and then sell the original CD while keeping the songs.
Plus I have an actual boombox at work that plays CDs and I have a CD player in my car.
It’s old fashioned now that everyone has gone to storing their music on their phones, but I don’t own a smart phone or an MP3 players, so CDs will do me just fine. In fact, I still buy them. I don’t like downloads.
November 12th, 2013 @ 3:10 pm
Before you ride happily into the Wyoming sunset, would you please give us a quick update on how Charlie is doing as an adult? Do you still see occasional flashes of wild Charlie? I have wondered ever since I read your book. Thanks for letting us share your thoughts and adventures over the last few years–
November 12th, 2013 @ 4:08 pm
Ahhh Ani :D Her words never fail to get me right in the heart/gut. And she never fails to inspire. Her music is part of what lit that activist fire in me!
Import your CDs into iTunes ;) Then your music is always available, and shuffle-able, whenever your computer is on. I miss tapes too though. Mix tapes made by my older brother. Sage Francis and Cake and Soul Coughing all on a cassette with a cool image cut from a magazine for the case insert.
Be you, do you, blog, don’t blog. I love seeing new posts! But I don’t think badly of you when you don’t post for a while. <3
November 12th, 2013 @ 4:59 pm
Hi Shreve :)
I found you way back when your bio of Charlie was first released & have always looked for your posts. I’m very private & allow very few in. I do have a blog, only to receive other blogs, never share, though sometimes comment. With this said, I get your message. And here I go…I will really miss you. When you’re quiet, or I’ve been offline for awhile, you are among the few I go online to read. Your my far-away friend with her large fur-family, living in a state far different than mine & one I’ve admired since childhood (reading all my
Walter Farley books imprinted into me) It’d be grand if you would quickly give us updates with simple emotions, quickly typed, leaving the almost whole of you for yourself. Hummm?
Take care & wishing your beautiful emotions as you awake each morning :D Jackie in NC
November 12th, 2013 @ 8:02 pm
I am sad for me but happy for you if you feel you need to shut down for a while. Notice I said for awhile. I only hope that you will still share updates on Charlie, Eli, Mike, all of your farmily. You do whatever you need to do to make yourself at peace and less stressed and know that you all will be in my thoughts every day. this is not a goodbye…
November 12th, 2013 @ 10:00 pm
Sometimes people have gifts of talents that others do not have— you- for me you have a gift of putting into words what I could never, but still when I read your words, they seem like they always were right there in me.
We all have gifts of talents. Mine is not what I wished to be called to do, but I do it because as I was reminded the other day- “Krisper” you may not see it, but you are here for not yourself, but those you wholly touch every single day.
Never even thought of it that way- but our talents are meant to be shared so that those who do not have that particular talent can experience what they need to or will because a talent was shared.
Your words and perspective always helps me see what I could not have done solely by myself. Thank you.
Please let us know how you and Charlie and all of your world is doing from time to time. Yours is a world I have needed in order to see mine as it needs to be seen. You know me not, but you have helped me know myself better and for that I will always be grateful.
November 12th, 2013 @ 10:21 pm
Krisper ~ wowowowow Tripping on your comment. A brilliant perspective.
And to all – I’m not vanishing, and I’m sorry for giving that impression. I will be continuing to post here in the sporadic manner I have been, but felt the need to address why things have tapered off so much.
thanks for all your words :)
November 12th, 2013 @ 11:07 pm
Ahh! Feels right, or, is it justified….
November 13th, 2013 @ 1:29 am
I can hardly wait to see how you emerge from this latest growth spurt. I really like most of what you post and appreciate that your artistry is your time + income. Thank you for sharing.
November 13th, 2013 @ 8:41 am
thats what I originally thought from your post but then everyone’s comments were so “final”!
YAY!!!! I need my Wyoming fix to make me smile and know that somewhere in this world there is another free spirit who cares not what others think !
November 13th, 2013 @ 10:14 am
Forget the NSA we are doing it to ourselves !
I am rethinking the entire Facebook and picture medias out there.Commerce, its all about selling yourself ( now it is called SHARING ) and being bought and then someone else comes along the next minute and you are out….
Hide well ! It’s done !
November 13th, 2013 @ 10:51 am
What Krisper said.
Ditch the guilt.
I am grateful for what you share, however much or little it may be, it speaks to me.
and I seriously ♥ charlie and the farmily.
November 13th, 2013 @ 1:16 pm
Both my computers are messed up PLUS I can no longer access my blog due to Google claiming I have no blog!?!
I recently got pitched an idea to write a post for $130. Now I’ve been pitched a lot of things, but never for more than $20. So I was dying to take it so I could fix my desktop.
And presto-chango, no more access to my blog! I’ve been asking the Universe what the message in all this is, and maybe your post is the answer!
November 13th, 2013 @ 3:43 pm
You listen to KEXP?! I didn’t think you could get any cooler but lookit you. Doing just that.
November 13th, 2013 @ 4:12 pm
I am loving the comments on this post.
Suzy… ohhhhhh……mmmmmmy.
And Maranda – I was a teenager in Seattle in the 90’s, I’m cool by accident :)
November 13th, 2013 @ 5:33 pm
Interesting! You ARE one of the few “real people” blogs still out there so I’ll be really sad too if you stop, but I think I totally get it. The Internet is really changing — too much spying, tracking, targeting for ads and spamming going on. It feels very sold-out and very lackluster, not much fun anymore. And maybe has changed our culture in ways that aren’t so good and people want to unplug and think that over for awhile. Okay, so I said all of that but will still miss you if you stop … *sniff*. Maybe just some occasional updates? Anyway, is this the final goodbye already? –?
November 13th, 2013 @ 7:24 pm
Shreve.. i totallly get it. i have recently become disabled due to a yet undiagnosed “illness” however, i am notr looking at my sudden “issues” as a bad thing, but as a cleansing of life. I am now making choices that mean more. the unimportant no longer has a place in my life. my focus- along with diagnosis and hopefully recovery- is now my daughter. my husband. and my animals. in a way i am hibernating. but now i see the truly important in life.
many blessings to you Shreve.
November 13th, 2013 @ 11:06 pm
Brilliant! I admire few people in this world I admire you. For certain reasons this post made me think of Dr. Seuss’ Oh, the Places You’ll Go!
Start something brand-new, and do it for you! Happy adventures Shreve.
~L
November 14th, 2013 @ 3:02 am
I have cut my blogs down to just a few. Yours is the first one I go to. In this crazy world I have a lovely quiet moment when you post. it’s nice knowing there is a person like you out there living with the land and wonderful animals. Your blog is good for the soul. A sporatic manner works!
November 14th, 2013 @ 9:50 am
Me again, after my weird comment above I thought I should re comment.
None of your fans wants to suck you dry, give what you can and take all the time you need to nourish your soul. The only fluff in this blog is on Charlie so it’s a treasure that all of us love but ……. no pressure.
November 14th, 2013 @ 12:54 pm
I had boxes of her cassettes. Recordings from basements, small clubs. Bootlegs, traded. Copied, copied, copied, traded and played to the end of their lives. Then boxes of CDs, I haven’t seen them for a very long time.
Think I may give a look or two to find them.
Thank you.
November 14th, 2013 @ 1:42 pm
Just want to say… thank you. I’ve rarely commented, but eagerly read. Somehow it doesn’t seem right that I don’t say it. Thank You!
November 14th, 2013 @ 2:08 pm
It would be sad for you to leave for a time as I have found so much comfort in your blog and book. That being said perhaps it’s time for a new adventure. Best of luck in whatever you decide to do next, and thank you for the things you have already done.
November 14th, 2013 @ 6:20 pm
Saw an interesting quote on humansofnewyork.com … “If you make art for the sake of money, it isn’t art. It’s business.”
The website is interesting. He takes photos of random people on the street and hears (and quotes) what they have to say.
November 14th, 2013 @ 9:33 pm
isn’t it amazing how a song can take you back to yourself.
thank you for reminding us with every picture of the beauty in your world, which makes me look for the beauty in mine.
love you when you are here, love you when you are not ;)
November 15th, 2013 @ 8:44 am
Mari ~ Thanks for the link – I just spent an hour looking through that site…..
And everyone else, thanks for the thanks :) :)
November 15th, 2013 @ 10:42 am
Thank you for sharing this. I have always been amazed by how music can transport me to different times from my life. When I lost all of my old mix tapes in a flood, I felt like my memories were stolen from me. Then I heard about an NPR story about how time erases the sound from tapes as the magnetic draw deteriorates, and it was such a perfect metaphor for memory. I wrote a blog post about it last summer (hopefully no one minds me sharing it here): http://drinkerswithwritingproblems.com/2013/08/27/the-magnetic-draw/
November 15th, 2013 @ 2:15 pm
Oh, I’m so glad you’re not vanishing Shreve. I had a momentary *upset* when I thought you might disappear. As many here have confessed, yours is a unique blog, with the uncanny ability to make us just basically feel better. You share, but not too much, just the right amount so that we can do some imagining between the words…the kind of imagining where we are living the same kind of pared down life, with nature, animals, the stuff that’s really important…
Looking forward to sharing your continued metamorphosis. Thank you for your words and pictures, however infrequent they may be :c)
November 16th, 2013 @ 12:15 pm
I would much prefer to read a novel, an essay, a poem, an article than a blog with the exception of this one and the Daily Coyote. I can completely understand the quote about hibernating from the commercial onslaught of the Internet…seems inevitable for anyone with true artistic talent and temperament. You need to do what’s right for you, Shreve.
November 17th, 2013 @ 5:36 pm
I just spent a week and a half going subterranean, time spent with just myself and purging and pecking at my core identity / beliefs, pulling back from social expectations and engagements…I totally “get” what you are talking about and thanks for resurfacing that Jobs quote. I read the book awhile back. I needed to read that again… and I need more TIME, like what I just had.
Thanks for sharing and share when you are moved to.
November 18th, 2013 @ 2:36 am
do what you need to do, without guilt, or consideration of how it affects your fans. i love your blog, your outlook, your verve, your creativity, your photos, and the sheer brassiness of driving across the country on a vespa. and then turning around to head to a wide open place.
when I was considering backing away from big city life, i kept thinking ” daily coyote did it…”, and it was a tiny nudge to listen to my innermost voice, almost permission to actually plan and consider the move.
So you keep doing whatever it is you need to do to be whole and happy. It’s time for me too, to make a re-evaluation. I think for people who have a tiny bit of enlightenment it is a periodic necessity.
Be well, be happy, just be.
November 19th, 2013 @ 12:53 am
Totally get it. We put so much pressure on ourselves to create a “product” for other people when the original goal was supposed to be something for ourselves. Take care of yourself and your farmily. You owe use nothing, you owe everything to yourself.
November 27th, 2013 @ 1:52 pm
I’m so inspired by your life story, your strength, and the way you invent your own life. Glad to know you’ll still be around.
December 3rd, 2013 @ 7:43 pm
I think there is an Ani song for almost any cycle in my life. Fuel speaks to me too.
Hibernate from the marketing masses.
It’s winter.
Feed your fire.