Trailin’ Down

Part III

Earlier posts:
Intro
Intro Addendum
Part I
Part II

I filed stalking charges. The stalker did not know this; as outlined in Part II, the paperwork still had to go in front of the Prosecuting Attorney and he would decide whether or not he would press charges. I hated the fact that the decision was out of my hands, but I had done everything I could do.

Meanwhile, I continued to be inundated with messages from the stalker. I also got a present in the mail. Not from him! From my Fairy Godmother. I have an Internet Godmother (hi J!) and an Internet Fairy Godmother (Hi E!) and, though she knew nothing of what was going on (or did she….), my Fairy Godmother sent me a box of flower essences. I will do a full post on flower essences, but the short explanation is that these are drops, distilled from different plants, that work energetically; they do not alter one’s physiological makeup the way homeopathics, herbs, or pharmaceuticals do.

Included in this box were flower essences called Pack Leader, Caretaker, and Golden Armor. The arrived on a particularly trying afternoon, email-wise, and I put drops of the aforementioned three under my tongue. I sat in my big chair and stared at the wall, for that was all I could do, then fell asleep in my chair.

When I woke up that evening, I asked myself, “why am I so bothered by these emails?” The words themselves did not matter. They were just words. What bothered me, the root of my anxiety, was the threat they carried. The threat that he would show up to harm me or the Farmily. And I was not confident that I would be able to win a physical confrontation. I’d taken self-defense classes but I had never fought a human foe. I didn’t know, when it came right down to it, if I could, because I didn’t have the skills or the practice.

But then, in a flash, I realized – and I attribute this epiphany to the flower essences – I do have the skills and the practice. I’ve done hand-to-hand combat with a coyote. I can stop a charging bull in his tracks. I’ve been afoot in the middle of a horse fight and dodged flying hooves and kept myself unharmed. I’ve learned to notice the tiniest changes in muscle tone to predict an animal’s next move. And I can apply all of this to a physical fight with a person. And suddenly, I wanted to. I began to prepare for it.

Mike has years of karate and bar brawls under his belt and I picked his brain. As with anything, technique is essential and I learned the proper way to punch, to block, to kick, to turn a hold into a broken arm (take that bad guy!). And it’s not complicated. The most complicated part, for me, was getting over the societal conditioning that “girls aren’t supposed to fight. The flashing neon sign in the house in which I grew up declared “females are polite and accommodating no matter what.” Like many girls, I was raised with the message that physical fighting was not the answer, not an option. What a disservice! Through the stalking, I realized it was an important skill to master. To cross the chasm between my past and my present, I again looked to animals to help me.

I saw, for the first time, how adept female animals are at fighting and defending themselves and their young. In the wild, female coyotes are far more strategic and vicious than the males. I have been slowly taming a female feral cat, and when she climbs on my lap and kneads with pleasure, I gasp in pain – her claws are so sharp! Sharper than any cat I’ve ever known. Sharper than Eli’s, and they have a similar lifestyle. Perhaps you saw these photos of a cow taking on a bear to save her calf. She sustained scrapes on her face from the fight but the bear retreated, most surely with broken ribs and potentially fatal internal damage. A mother cow, a prey animal herself, will attack dogs, humans, coyotes, and bears to protect her calf. In fact, one of the largest ranches in my area frowns upon coyote hunting on their land. If a cow comes in from pasture without a calf, she is sold, the sentiment being, “if she doesn’t protect her calf, she ain’t a good mother.”

Through these observations and more, the “stigma” of physical fighting and defense, as a woman, disappeared. I realized how ridiculous it is that this skill set is withheld from human females in our culture.

In addition to practicing the physical elements of fighting, I studied my environment. To the women out there: no one knows your environment better than you do. I analyzed my space and surroundings, noticed all the seemingly innocuous items I could use as weapons wherever I happened to be, made note of possible routes, exits, ambushes, strategies.

And my anxiety was gone.

Part IV is HERE

I Swoon!

My stonemason friend stopped by my house after a demolition job.
“You like rocks,” he said. “Here.”

Natural green glass, formed in the earth. Similar to obsidian but a gorgeous aquamarine. This piece is the size of a baby.

Giant clusters of crystals.

This color!

A huge hunk of dinosaur bone. Takes two hands to hold it.

Oh, the striations….

So beautiful.

The Elves Are Working Overtime!

Technical Malfunction Alert!

I just got word from my print shop that the Big Fancy Printing Machine needs some loving attention before the Cowboy Calendars can be completed!

2011 Charlie Calendars ship immediately.

Cowboy Calendars will ship November 1st-ish.

Thanks for your gorgeous patience!

S & Co.

Part II

Part I is here. I left off where I told him to stop, or law enforcement would get involved. He emailed me, apologizing profusely again, but then the next day, he went into overdrive. So many emails, so much obsession. It was sick. Sick and disturbing. At that point, I blocked his comments from appearing on my blogs but they, as well as direct emails, still came through to me – simply because I wanted to be able to keep tabs on him and keep everything for future reference, if necessary.

And then I called the Sheriff’s Dept. The Sergeant I spoke with said I absolutely had grounds to come in and file a Stalking Order (which is akin to a restraining order or a protection order). This is what I learned about the process: 1) the offender must be told, prior to filing, that his behaviour is unwelcome and to stop; otherwise he can say, “Oh, I didn’t know…” Obviously, I had already taken this step. 2) The victim files criminal stalking charges with the police, then it goes to the Prosecuting Attorney and he alone decides if it is worthy of pursuing. If he decides not to, then the victim is SOL or must hire an attorney to take the case in front of a judge (and incur all the expenses thereof, herself). 3) The request for a Stalking Order is taken before a judge and the offender is invited to the hearing. The victim must appear and testify, and her stalker may or may not be present (his choice) to defend himself.

I did not want to be in the same room as this guy. When I questioned the protocol outlined above, I was told by the Prosecuting Attorney’s office that under the constitution, the defendant has the right to face his accuser. So. Even though major business transactions take place via conference calls and video conferencing, the courts still take this literally, with no concern for the psychological trauma a victim of stalking or assault must endure by being in the same room as the perpetrator.

“He already knows what you look like,” I was told, “your picture is on the cover of your book.” Firstly, I had no control over the cover of my books (authors rarely do) and entered into an epic war with my publisher when I found out they were planning to use that photo on the paperback. Moreover, having a predator see your picture is far different than having to sit in front of them in a tiny room. I felt like, regardless of the circumstances surrounding it, he would be getting what he wanted. It boggles my mind that in the age of Skype and CCTV, the courts are not set up to allow the victim to testify via video conferencing from a neighboring room in the courthouse with a bailiff present.

Anyway, I forwarded everything to the Sgt. so he could start a file but chose not to formally file charges at that point because I felt so strongly about not wanting to be face to face with this guy. The Sgt. offered to call the stalker and speak to him directly, that sometimes hearing it from law enforcement can scare a guy straight. I asked him to hold off on that for the time being, hoping that if I just ignored everything, the stalker would lose interest when he got no response, and stop.

Tangent: In the comments of my previous posts on this subject, many of you recommended that I read The Gift Of Fear by Gavin de Becker. I read it last week. Women, girls, those of you who know any women or girls, go read Chapter Four of this book. Fabulous info in Chapter Four. Chapter Four should be photocopied and tacked up in every girl’s locker room in every school.

The author also devotes a section of the book to dealing with stalkers, and while the overarching theme of the book is about trusting intuition, he makes a great point regarding stalkers: once you engage, there is no going back. If you want them to go away quietly, and think this is possible, ignore them from the outset. It may still take six weeks of harassment one must endure, but once you engage, there is no going back to ignoring. Even in telling the guy to stop, a “relationship” has been established (in the stalker’s mind).

It became very clear, very fast, that ignoring him had no effect (since I had already engaged by telling him to stop). It got to the point where I dreaded checking my emails because of this guy. It would derail my days; it robbed me of my time and my focus and my life. One woman said it perfectly in a comment left on this site: Stalking is terrorism at the most personal level.

It got to the point where I could not take it anymore, and I got back in touch with the Sgt and he called and spoke to the stalker directly (because I still wanted to avoid having to be in court with him). The Sgt. called me afterward and told me the guy had been apologetic on the phone and said he would stop (pattern here???) but the very next day, more crazy, obsessive emails came in. That’s when I said “OK, enough!” and went in and filed Criminal Stalking Charges against him.

Part III is HERE