Marching On
March was tough. I cannot lie, working my way through the aftermath of a thyroidectomy has been hard. Yet I would not trade everything I’ve gone through, and what I still have ahead, if it meant going back to being the person I was January 1. The growth and shifts this has inspired and required have made it worthwhile… I’ve said similar before: about being stalked; about living through my oldest, greatest fear of having my home burn down; about the terrifying downward spiral of my health due to undiagnosed celiac disease nearly fifteen years ago.
So much of this traverse reminds me of that time – celiac and gluten intolerance were virtually unheard of back then, and I dove into researching, recovering, getting healthier than I’d ever been before, and writing my first book. That foundation, that history is serving me now. Back then, pre-packaged gluten-free food did not exist. If I told someone I was gluten intolerant, I’d get the response, ‘You’re allergic to sugar?’ Glucose was a more familiar term. So I’d say, ‘I’m allergic to wheat,’ and the reply to that was always, ‘Don’t worry, this is made with white flour!’ Such exchanges are hilarious now, and it’s thrilling how far things have come. I can go out for gluten-free pizza in the miniscule towns of Wyoming, “gluten-free” is an ubiquitous marketing catch-phrase, and while people may still roll their eyes or think it trendy nonsense, it is so freaking easy for people to make the transition now, and to get healthy without feeling like their entire life is being dismantled while they are floating in a sea of question marks.
Ten years ago, when Eating Gluten Free was published, I dreamed of things looking like this – of such awareness, understanding, and convenience for those dealing with gluten intolerance and those suffering undiagnosed (when I went to a gastroenterologist at UCSF and told him my symptoms, he offered me Xanax, and when I declined it, the door). And it’s here! It’s reality! And it happened so much faster than I expected back then. Ten years is a long time, but not when you consider the transformation that has occurred in the lexicon, in marketing, and in medical care. It is so awesome. And this probably seems like one very large tangent – I started this post on the topic of thyroids – but I needed to write this all down for me because once again, I have dove into research, and the state of affairs regarding thyroid issues and the number of people suffering and the dated (dare I say dangerous) “conventional wisdom” is very reminiscent of how it once went with gluten. What I have read and what I have been told makes my blood boil, but the shifts I have seen (and been privileged to be part of) with celiac and gluten intolerance give me hope.
All this to say, despite a bumpy month, I cannot call this a Bad Thing, even though I haven’t yet found the sweet spot with my meds and it’s been scary and expensive and there have been a few days where I just plain haven’t gotten out of bed. I had an epiphany in the shower a couple weeks after surgery; I was sobbing – like hysterically crying – about all the things I wasn’t getting done and POOF! Epiphany. I suddenly realized just how much of my self worth was wrapped up in what I accomplished (and, of course, the inverse – how much self loathing appeared when I wasn’t accomplishing All The Things). And I have spent much of this month letting that go. Practicing patience and practicing grace – two traits that do not come naturally to me – with myself and with others. Patience is another form of will. And grace is a gift.
One of the big themes of this year has been cooperation, and, for a loner like me, it has been new and scary and enlightening and uplifting. Surgery itself was cooperation, and a massive trust exercise. As was posting the donate button here – that was so difficult for me to do, not because I felt it was wrong but because it was new. And vulnerable. And the first day it was up, I felt very uncomfortable. Remember growing pains, in your ankles and knees? It was like that, in my psyche. When leaving a donation, there is a place to leave a message, but I didn’t see these notes until the next day (I saw the donations, but not the messages), and the blog post itself received very few comments that first day. So I had to spend that day determining my feelings about what I’d done and what I was being given, in a vacuum, without being comforted or influenced by the opinions of others. This was such a blessing. I had to reconcile it within myself, and after the period of uncomfortable newness, my overwhelming sense was of holding hands. The connection of holding hands with people out there, of holding hands with you. And then when I finally discovered and read the notes, that feeling intensified exponentially.
It was so intimate. Regardless of dollar amount, with each donation I saw this: ‘Here is a part of me that I am giving to you because I can and because I want to. You don’t have to do anything to deserve it; by being, you deserve it.’ I think getting that message from outside, from you, opened me enough to be able to get the message from within, from the shower epiphany. I don’t think too many of us are where we want to be – by which I mean, we have goals. But to have that kind of acceptance – of ourselves and of those around us – before we reach our goals, is profound. It takes patience and grace. And we all deserve it.
. . .
PS: I finally joined instagram. I take so many photos that never end up here, on the blog and now, they will have a home. If you don’t have instagram and don’t want to join, you can still see all the photos by clicking HERE and bookmarking the page.
Born on the first day of Spring
Mutant Thyroid Thwarted
So, I had surgery! And it was so much better than I expected. I was terrified of anaesthesia – in the week leading up to surgery, that thought alone put me into tears, to the point where I actually made a will (it needed to be done anyway, so…. now it’s done). Control issues, ya think? But the day of was shockingly great. The hospital was staffed exclusively by angels, saints, and geniuses. My surgeon took a phone pic of my removed thyroid for me. And the right lobe alone was 7 cm square and reached all the way up to my jaw, below my ear. Whut??? That thing was going to take over my body if left to its own devices, and, as challenging as it’s been, I’m so glad this all was set in motion NOW.
I spent the night in the hospital and a few days on a diet of homemade jello (juice + gelatin = the best). My voice is still too weak to really talk on the phone or for any length of time, but it is improving daily. Luckily, I’m not a teacher or an auctioneer, and can work without having to talk too much. And now I’m in the process of sorting out the proper dosage for thyroid replacement. I’ve been feeling mostly good, but with afternoon slumps, and today I am switching, with excitement and high hopes, from levothyroxine to dessicated thyroid. Though, lying in the sun, reading books has been a pretty awesome side effect of not feeling like I’m running at 9000%.
I don’t think I’ve had lazy, bookish afternoons like this since I spent the summer living on the mountain. I have been organizing the offline writing I’ve done over the past year (gasp!) and making necklaces with some stunner stones – they’ll be finding their way to the Shop throughout the week. Farmily stories and more coming soon!
The Museum Of Four In The Morning
I’m lying in bed, bookended by cats, finding magic on the internet to widen my mind…..
The arc of this TED talk is so awesome and surprising… it’s pretty much the meaning of life:
I also stumbled upon the amazing Cuchira ~ her mini-vids are mesmerizing.
Here’s a direct link since I can’t figure out how to get the embed to work….
Thank you so much for the notes and comments and emails and loooove!
MY NEW BOOK!
More, Elsewhere
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