Meadowlarks, Indian Paintbrush, & Me!
☆ July 11, 2010
AHHAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! Today, I became a local. Today, I became Wyoming. Today, I came up with my first bona fide cowboy sayin’. The great country western songs are full of them. The old timers speak these gems all the time. This morning one came out of my mouth. Out of my mind.
“It takes effort to be that lazy.”
Wahoooooo!!!!!!!!!!! More than having a drivers license, a rural address, a rifle in my name, this makes me Wyoming. Four and a half years in, and I am in.
What’s your favorite cowboy wisdom or one-liner? Share it in the comments!
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196 Responses to “Meadowlarks, Indian Paintbrush, & Me!”
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MY NEW BOOK!
More, Elsewhere
- No Tweets Available
July 11th, 2010 @ 11:44 am
Don’t say whoa in the middle of a boghole.
July 11th, 2010 @ 11:45 am
Ya can’t ride two horses with one ass.
July 11th, 2010 @ 11:47 am
That’s awesome! Reminds me of Dolly Parton saying, “It takes a lot of money to look this cheap.”
July 11th, 2010 @ 11:48 am
One of my favorites from my dad (said to us as children when we whined about being bored):
Only boring people get bored.
July 11th, 2010 @ 11:59 am
“Courage is being scared to death but saddling up anyway”
~ John Wayne
July 11th, 2010 @ 12:08 pm
Dance with the girl that brung ya…
July 11th, 2010 @ 12:21 pm
“way a crow flies” has to be my favorite. Glad you are in!
July 11th, 2010 @ 12:47 pm
My family comes from Montana and I grew up with those. The one I generally heard was, “careful or you’ll draw back a stump”. One of my favorites was “I’m going to see a man about a horse”.
July 11th, 2010 @ 12:57 pm
He’s all hat and no cattle.
July 11th, 2010 @ 1:13 pm
“It was shining like a diamond in a goats ass”.
July 11th, 2010 @ 1:14 pm
“I’ld rather stand in shit up to my eyebrows than………” and “git up! Yer gonna git sunburned in bed”
July 11th, 2010 @ 1:23 pm
one of my old fav’s is:
“If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?”
and one of Mike’s:
“He’s so dumb he couldn’t pour piss out of a boot with the directions written on the heel.”
July 11th, 2010 @ 1:28 pm
My grandfather always told me when I was pouting about something “A bird is going to come poop on your lip!”
July 11th, 2010 @ 1:29 pm
“Neat but not gaudy, like shit on a shovel.”
And one I made up yesterday while helping an injured person down a long hiking trail: “Too bad there is no easy way to learn the hard way.”
July 11th, 2010 @ 1:57 pm
W ~ HA!
M ~ very nice!!
July 11th, 2010 @ 1:59 pm
Sleep like a log, snore like a chainsaw.
@Wendy: ooh, I like that one! Have to remember that for the next time I catch my nephew pouting :)
July 11th, 2010 @ 2:09 pm
Those boots make my feet hurt!
July 11th, 2010 @ 2:16 pm
Even though it’s a Johnny Cash song, my mom has always said “If the good Lord’s willing and the creek don’t rise.”
July 11th, 2010 @ 2:19 pm
That makes about as much sense as a mud fence.
July 11th, 2010 @ 2:23 pm
“Life is tough. It’s tougher when you’re stupid.” (John Wayne, again . . . he had a million of ’em!)
July 11th, 2010 @ 2:29 pm
I don’t have any de facto Montana-isms, but I still remember the o.O moment when this Southern city-born gal heard a man in line at the bank say, “A cow run me over.”
July 11th, 2010 @ 2:41 pm
I had to come back for one more lol… “It’s like putting perfume on a pig…. I say this a lot when I see something that is bone ugly, and someone can’t leave well enough alone!
July 11th, 2010 @ 2:45 pm
“Rode hard and put away wet”
“Few bales short of a wagon load”
“Nummer ‘an a pounded thumb” (Number than a pounded thumb- but you’ve got to say it with just the right amount of disbelief, disdain and drawl)
“That dog won’t hunt” (stupid idea or thought)
“Didja think a that un all by yerself?” (we do sarcasm pretty well in Maine)
Granted- these are Maine-isms not Wyo-isms but they probably translate.
July 11th, 2010 @ 2:46 pm
a 10-gallon hat on a 5-gallon head…
July 11th, 2010 @ 3:01 pm
these are all awesome!!!
July 11th, 2010 @ 3:02 pm
so mean he shoved a widow woman’s dog in the creek ans greased its tail so she couldn’t pull it out
July 11th, 2010 @ 3:18 pm
Nothing Worthwhile is Easy.
July 11th, 2010 @ 4:00 pm
There’s an ass for every seat.
July 11th, 2010 @ 4:16 pm
Slicker than snot on a door knob.
July 11th, 2010 @ 4:29 pm
Heard this one time at at a barber shop years ago one Saturday morning in a small Texas town. Some kid, probably about 10 years old was running his mouth and being a little smart ass about something… an old man in the corner, who was minding his own business reading a magazine up to that point… looked up and said: “Son… you know why the good lord gave you two ears and one mouth? (the kid stopped talking, looking shocked that anyone would challenge him) So you can do twice as much listening and half as much talking… thats how you learn boy, by listening!”. Made me snicker because the little kid was annoying…
I always liked “don’t squat to pee with your spurs on”…
July 11th, 2010 @ 4:31 pm
“X” is so slow on the uptake you’d rather do it yourself than explain it again.
The coworker who inspired this makes me wanna move there.
July 11th, 2010 @ 4:32 pm
My friends Dad would always say on road trips, “if we lived here we’d be home by now”
July 11th, 2010 @ 4:41 pm
One of my favorites has always been, “*&^%$ and the horse you rode in on.”
July 11th, 2010 @ 4:48 pm
Oh! And another one from Johnny Cash, “Son, I don’t know you well enough to miss you when you’re gone.”
July 11th, 2010 @ 5:00 pm
Barkin’ on the porch with the big dogs! Lots of above saying are heard all the time here in Missouri
July 11th, 2010 @ 5:31 pm
Not a cowboy-ism, but
If you can’t run with the big dawgs, stay on the porch!
July 11th, 2010 @ 5:54 pm
Someone already posted one of my favorites: Rode hard and put away wet.
When we would whine about wanting this or that, my grandfather (a Texan) would say, “Well, you can want in this hand and spit in the other and see which one fills up first.”
Another good one: Hurry up, we’re burnin’ daylight.
July 11th, 2010 @ 6:31 pm
“That’ll give ya some genu-wine entertainment.” …said while watching the livestock become familiar with electric fence…
July 11th, 2010 @ 6:31 pm
Milaka ~ HA!!!!!! THAT is hilarious. I’m memorizing that one.
July 11th, 2010 @ 6:34 pm
One of my favorites, and I think you’ll like this, is: “I feel like I’ve been eaten by a coyote and shit off a cliff.” That may be more Kentucky than cowboy though.
July 11th, 2010 @ 7:08 pm
my all time fav is…
“useless a tit on a duck’s back”
or some say “tit on a boar’s behind”
July 11th, 2010 @ 7:26 pm
To get out of a rut, Dad used to say: “Go out and blow the stink off.”
July 11th, 2010 @ 7:35 pm
the fishin is always good. it’s the catchin that sometimes isn’t that great.
July 11th, 2010 @ 7:36 pm
I love the one-liners like this! I’m from Alabama, and I have lots of friends from all over the world (god bless the internet!) and I have gotten some strange reactions to some of the stuff we say…
“It’s raining like piss pouring out of a boot” is one that always gets to the Australians I’m acquainted with.
“It’s colder than a witch’s tit in a brass bra” or “Colder than a welldigger’s ass in Montana” also evoke quite a reaction.
My favorite, though, is probably “Dumber than a sack of wet hammers.” Apparently wet hammers are dumber than dry ones!
July 11th, 2010 @ 7:40 pm
and my dad used to say..if i die in the wilderness i will have had a very good day and a religious experience and you will have a very bad day and a nightmare packin me out.
July 11th, 2010 @ 7:52 pm
Google the sayings of Darrell Royal (former head football coach at the University of Texas). He was famous for them.
July 11th, 2010 @ 7:54 pm
General Honore, a John Wayne dude, as our then mayor called him, rode in to take charge of the chaos in New Orleans after Katrina and started by cautioning folks, “Don’t get stuck on stupid.” We’ve been saying it ever since.
July 11th, 2010 @ 7:59 pm
This town’s so small, you never lose your girlfriend, you just lose your turn.
July 11th, 2010 @ 8:18 pm
I’ll tell you how the cow eats the cabbage!
meaning: I’ll tell you how things really are!
used in the following:
J: You know there ain’t no way he’s ever gon’ fix that truck!
Me: Well, he might…
J: Nope. Never. I’ll tell you how the cow eats the cabbage, mm-hmm. Never.
Spoken in earnest to me one day by my dear, dear Texan roommate.:)
July 11th, 2010 @ 9:09 pm
“I ’bout had me a come-undone” meaning the speaker was upset about a situation.
July 11th, 2010 @ 9:15 pm
When coming into town after a long absence and seeing a slowpoke at a stoplight..
“Hey…the pole ain’t gonna turn green ya know”..
and my personal favorite…
“There ain’t no cure for stupid.”
July 11th, 2010 @ 9:22 pm
“I don’t know if I’ve found me a rope or lost me a goat!” …
For when you don’t know whether news is good or not!!!
July 11th, 2010 @ 9:25 pm
Looks like he was shot at and missed… but shit at and hit. Lawrdy.
Am lovin’ this post up and down!!
July 11th, 2010 @ 9:25 pm
Give a Dog a Good Name and He’ll Live Up To It This was a favorite of my 97 and 3 months shy of 98 mother who resently died.She felt what was expected of people and dogs had a lot to do with how they turned out.
July 11th, 2010 @ 10:01 pm
Don’t take a drink outta the crick downstream from the cattle
July 11th, 2010 @ 10:41 pm
(It smells so bad it could )Knock a buzzard off a shitwagon.
July 12th, 2010 @ 12:00 am
“A mule is a perfected horse”.
July 12th, 2010 @ 1:13 am
“If you don’t have anything nice to say about anybody, come sit by me!”
July 12th, 2010 @ 2:53 am
Seems a lot of these sayings are adapted and used the world over… #8 – Kathleen – in the UK we say ‘going to see a man about a dog.
Also a favourite for someone who is sat down and being pestered to get up and do something by someone – ‘I can’t, I’ve got a bone in my leg’
July 12th, 2010 @ 3:51 am
Channeled my grandfather- a Maine fisherman for 75 years- last night for a couple more…
Just because your butt’s cracked doesn’t mean your legs are broke…
If you don’t get out there and do those chores we’re goin’ to have a come to Jesus meetin’
Don’t mind those folks- they’re fixin’ to have a “Mr. & Mrs.” (fight)
July 12th, 2010 @ 4:32 am
You can’t ride color.
July 12th, 2010 @ 6:54 am
A good one to bust out on people who lie to your face. “Don’t piss on my leg and tell me it’s raining.” I think Mike might like that one too.
July 12th, 2010 @ 7:09 am
“Dip it one more time and it’d be (pink)” – referring to wow – that is a really intense color.
July 12th, 2010 @ 7:14 am
My grandmother’s favorite: “[insert name] is dumber than a jackass eatin’ briars.”
My personal fave: “It’s hotter than two rats #$%*ing in a wool sock”
July 12th, 2010 @ 7:22 am
My personal favorite (that I made up) for the pouting child is, “Stick that lip out a little farther and we could use it for a diving board.”
Of the ones I didn’t make up, there’s the ever hilarious:
“One of you is gonna fall and die, and I’m not cleaning it up.”
And of course, right in line with the boot and piss:
“He couldn’t find his way out of a paper bag with a map and a flashlight.”
Congratulations on being a local; it’s a beautiful thing! :)
July 12th, 2010 @ 7:56 am
when someone talks only about himself–My dad says, “I don’t care for him. His I’s are too close together.”
Hmm. writing it doesn’t pack the same punch. You have to say it out loud to misunderstand it properly.
PS. I had to drive up to Montana a few weeks ago. My first time seeing the Big Horns. Pretty mountains. Loved Buffalo and spent half a day in the King Saddles Saddle Museum in Sheridan
What I mean is, I’ve been crazy about the Tetons forever, but I think Northern Wyoming just won my heart.
-a colorado girl.
July 12th, 2010 @ 7:59 am
Mikala- My dad used to say that all the time!
One of my own:
“Wonder if it hurts to be that stupid.”
July 12th, 2010 @ 8:02 am
“Honest cowboys always steer ya straight” …one of my faves from a salada tea bag! ;)
also…
“Don’t interfere with something that aint botherin’ you none.”
July 12th, 2010 @ 8:10 am
Being from Arizona, my cowboy brother used to say “never miss an opportunity to shut up.”
July 12th, 2010 @ 8:12 am
Oh, and a recipe…
Cowboy Coffee:
2 fists full of coffee grounds
1 boot full of water
Boil hard.
July 12th, 2010 @ 8:29 am
A fave of mine is one that Liza quoted, however, we add to it: If you can’t run with the big dogs, keep your puppy ass on the porch!
July 12th, 2010 @ 8:43 am
these are all soooooo fantastic!!
:)!
July 12th, 2010 @ 8:48 am
you gotta hitch in your gettalong?
July 12th, 2010 @ 8:53 am
Ooh! Sorry, Milaka, apologies for misspelling your name…Monday morning typing fingers! And my father’s differs a bit:
“Put wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which fills up first.”
July 12th, 2010 @ 8:57 am
Forgot one my crazy uncle would say when he was amazed by something: “Well, tie me up and shoot me in my ass!”
And one used by my grandpa when referring to a not-so-intelligent individual: “He’s got shit in his neck”
July 12th, 2010 @ 9:01 am
useless as chicken crap on a pump handle.
can’t polish a turd.
worthess as tits on a boar hog.
July 12th, 2010 @ 9:03 am
This just popped into my mind from somewhere: “His face hurts my feelings.”
July 12th, 2010 @ 9:44 am
When we used to fly up north, in the evening, it would be so dark outside, someone would always come out with,
“It’s darker than two feet up a cows’ass out there.”
July 12th, 2010 @ 9:53 am
When someone gives you a proper scolding:
“He made me feel like 2 cents waitin’ for change.”
My grandfather’s: ” God only made so many perfect heads. The rest He covered with hair.”
July 12th, 2010 @ 9:58 am
It was colder than a welldigger’s belt buckle!
The seventy-something-year-old, one-eyed, limping, bent-over cowboy who used to shoe a friend of mine’s horses (at his age, eight in one afternoon!) used to say, “It was longer than a country clothesline.”
My beloved Grandpa Rexie had a couple:
“Well, I’ll be a horned swoggle!” and
“Oh, boy. And a couple o’ girls.”
July 12th, 2010 @ 10:01 am
I like these Spanish versions I learned in high school:
Mas vale un pajaro en mano que cien volando (A bird in the hand is worth more than 100 flying)
and
Aunque la mona se vista de seda, mona se queda (while a monkey can dress himself in silk, he’s still just a monkey) [silk purse-sow’s ear}
July 12th, 2010 @ 10:12 am
There are so many out there but but these are my favorites !
Don’t squat with your spurs on.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
I reckon this is gonna hurt a little.
~ The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
There are many trails to the truth but no short cuts
July 12th, 2010 @ 10:17 am
Well, my uncle used to say anytime someone got a new car “it’s as shiny as a new penny in a goat’s ass”.
July 12th, 2010 @ 10:30 am
If you have never heard the song “Cowboy Logic” by Micheal Martin Murphy, you should google it and listen. The words are so true ! One of my favorite cowboy songs… MMM is a great singer/songwriter.
July 12th, 2010 @ 10:49 am
My Texas friend has a lot of ’em. My favorite:
Well, I’ll be dipped in shit!
July 12th, 2010 @ 10:54 am
From Dan Hicks and the Hot Licks: How can I miss you when you won’t go away!
July 12th, 2010 @ 11:11 am
That kid is 10 pounds of trouble in a 5-pound sack.
July 12th, 2010 @ 11:12 am
Oh! And: never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.
July 12th, 2010 @ 11:27 am
I know this is a comedian’s line and not one I came up with on my own, but I have more than once caught myself at the edge of anger when someone I am interacting with is being absolutely reasonless and just thought, “Katie, you can’t fix stupid.”
It is insanely calming to let that thought float through my mind.
July 12th, 2010 @ 12:14 pm
Never change horses in the middle of the Apocalypse.
July 12th, 2010 @ 12:26 pm
“It’s not a long walk if you run.” Old timey horse trainer, Don Swan, was like a father to me, and this is what he said whenever he asked me to go get something and I whined.
July 12th, 2010 @ 12:32 pm
Can’t remember where I heard this first, but it always makes me laugh. A bit course, but funny.
“He couldn’t get laid in a women’s prison with a handful of pardons.”
July 12th, 2010 @ 12:34 pm
One of my favorites:
If you’re going to laugh about it later, you might as well laugh about it now.
July 12th, 2010 @ 12:35 pm
OK, just one more courtesy of my Ex. On the ranch where we lived, the goat-head burrs were bad in the summertime. Whenever you spoke about them, as soon as you said “goat-head,” he would say; “don’t call me a gort-head.”
Well, maybe you had to be there…
July 12th, 2010 @ 12:48 pm
OH man, I’ve spent years trying to forget my redneck upbringing (ha!), but here’s one to express surprise or disbelief:
Well dip me in shit n roll me in sugar!
Also, one to describe an ugly person (usually a woman):
She could eat corn on the cob through a picket fence.
(that one was used against me; I had a little problem with buck teeth. ahem.)
July 12th, 2010 @ 1:04 pm
“I’m all stove up.” Said when you are stiff and hurting. Ever seen a bent wood stove pipe? If so, you’ll know what it means. Many of my friends when I say this, give me a puzzled look!
July 12th, 2010 @ 1:08 pm
“I’m better than some, but not as good as others”
When asked how are you?
July 12th, 2010 @ 1:32 pm
Never squat with yer spurs on!
July 12th, 2010 @ 1:37 pm
My grandpa had a ton of these. I heard them so much growing up that I forget they’re family sayings and use them and then get odd looks from other people. My favorite, used when you feel bad (or said about someone who’s clearly had a loooong weekend):
“He looks like he’s been drug through a sick cow backwards.”
July 12th, 2010 @ 1:41 pm
“…slicker than greased Owl shit”
“…bluer than the belly of a Dachshund runnin’ through a blueberry patch.”
“If it ain’t broke – don’t fix it”
July 12th, 2010 @ 2:19 pm
If you’re looking for a helping hand, the best place to start is on the end of your arm.
July 12th, 2010 @ 2:21 pm
I heard one for the aestetically challenged from an aunt:
“Uglier than a bag-full of smashed assholes.”
July 12th, 2010 @ 2:24 pm
A close friend always says:
“She’s wound up tighter’n an 8 day clock!”
Another favorite:
You can’t run with the big dogs if you pee like a puppy.
Hotter’n 3 Babtists…
Dumber than a box of rocks…
July 12th, 2010 @ 2:52 pm
“Time marches on and sooner or later you realize it is marchin’ across your face.”
“The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize.”
“Oh! He’s a real gentleman! I bet he takes the dishes out of the sink before he PEES in it!”
“He’s so dumb that if he saw a sign that said ‘Wet Floor’ he would.”
“He’s so dumb he doesn’t know whether to scratch his watch or wind his butt.”
July 12th, 2010 @ 3:10 pm
Just how hot is it in Texas? Its hotter than a four balled tom cat.
Busy as a one legged man in an ass kickin contest.
He doesn’t have enough sense to pour warm piss out of a boot.
This beer is colder than a whore’s heart.
Busy as a cat trying to cover up shit on a hot tin roof.
As nervous as a whore in church.
Crazy as a peach orchard shoat.
You’ve got her wound up tighter than dick’s hatband.
You can get glad in the same pants you got mad in.
These “isms” are courtesy of my husband, a true Texan. I’m a damn yankee. You know the difference between a yankee and a damn yankee. A yankee just visits. A damn yankee stays…
July 12th, 2010 @ 3:27 pm
Fast as a minnow swims a dipper.
July 12th, 2010 @ 4:32 pm
From my Kentucky grandmother, on seeing a woman in a bright pink dress: “Well, if she bought that for pink, she got a bargain.”
From an old sharecropper I worked with in Texas, whenever you asked how he was: “Finer than frog’s hair! And frog’s hair’s so fine you cain’t see it!”
July 12th, 2010 @ 4:37 pm
And, from an older lady who was helping me carry dishes to the sink: “Does you stack or is you high-class?”
July 12th, 2010 @ 5:22 pm
I heard quite a lot of these growing up. One my dad used to say was “Quit staring at me like a boiled owl.”
July 12th, 2010 @ 5:26 pm
This is embarrassing. I actually heard my mother decades ago say, “I’m so hungry I could eat the ass out of a skunk and relish it.”
July 12th, 2010 @ 5:31 pm
“It’s a dry (today) as a fart in a flour barrel”
July 12th, 2010 @ 6:11 pm
My dad would refer to some one who was flitting around (usualy my sister or myself) as acting like a fart in a frying pan. Made no sense at all, but he was generally very proper, and it always made us giggle.
July 12th, 2010 @ 6:33 pm
He can’t walk and chew gum at the same time.
Dumber than a sack of hammers.
Stick that where the sun don’t shine.
Colder than a nuns crotch.
Colder than a well diggers ass.
July 12th, 2010 @ 6:50 pm
My high school calculus teacher always said
“like a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs”
I still use it when I get a chance :)
July 12th, 2010 @ 7:38 pm
Big hat, no cows!
July 12th, 2010 @ 7:39 pm
Big hat, no cows!
Not enough room to cuss a cat
Darker than the inside of a goat
July 12th, 2010 @ 7:40 pm
we’re burning daylight
July 12th, 2010 @ 7:55 pm
Speaking of song lyrics, I’ve always thought that: “I’m so miserable without you its like having you around” encompassed a lot of relationships in a few words.
From my dad:
He’s gotten one day older and two days dumber every day he’s lived.
About someone sick or hung over: He looks like Death eatin’ a cracker.
You can’t fix stupid.
July 12th, 2010 @ 8:36 pm
“Don’t git yer balls in an uproar.”
My brother-in-law used this phrase a lot. One time my 4-year-old niece was in line at the ice cream stand, trying to decide on a flavor. When the man behind her tried to hustle her along, she turned, and with great annoyance, she said this to him. The man nearly bust a gut laughing.
July 12th, 2010 @ 9:53 pm
Describing someone who was really really mad:
“Well she jist pitched herself a fit and fell right in it!”
July 12th, 2010 @ 11:55 pm
@Rhedrose: that is a true gem.
July 13th, 2010 @ 2:50 am
Nobody cares how much you know, they just want to know how much you care.
July 13th, 2010 @ 5:57 am
It was rainin’ like a cow pissin’ on a flat rock.
–Taylor County GA
July 13th, 2010 @ 6:26 am
My grandma lived in an old cabin on flat land. Everything was so many “sees” down the road…”It’s on down about four sees”
Meaning…walk as far as you can “see”…four times *LOL*
Bein’ around alot of men I’ve heard the expression,”Hornier than a three peckered billy goat”…alot…:O)
July 13th, 2010 @ 6:50 am
‘As useless as tits on a bull.’
July 13th, 2010 @ 9:04 am
Spoken about a person with an inflated sense of self-worth: “If I could buy him for what I think he’s worth and sell him for what HE thinks he’s worth I’d have me a truck full of nickels.”
July 13th, 2010 @ 11:44 am
FYI:
“All stove up” didn’t originally have anything to do with stoves, though I like the image.
It is the past tense of “stave,” which means to smash in the staves of a barrel or a boat.
So if you’re all stove up, maybe you done got run over by a cow.
July 13th, 2010 @ 12:53 pm
Re: Stove up
This is so interesting! As a kid, sometimes a really big party was called a “rip staver” (pronounced stavah in Maine) or if someone was going to beat up somebody, they might say they’d “stave you”. I never knew what the word stave originally meant.
Another local saying was: Just because a cat has kittens in the oven, it don’t make ’em muffins. (Meaning just because someone from out-of-state has a child in Maine, doesn’t mean that child is really a “Mainer”)
July 13th, 2010 @ 6:40 pm
@Claire:
Yes, and what you heard as a “rip staver” was originally a “RIB staver” – our ribs being, figuratively, the staves of the human body.
July 13th, 2010 @ 8:20 pm
My Dad’s old standby, and one I often use myself is “Let’s get to gettin’!
My drill instructor’s favorite way to describe me: “You may be book smart, but when it comes to common sense, you can’t tell your ass from a hole in ground.”
July 13th, 2010 @ 11:05 pm
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. As dumb as a box full of rocks. This is the funniest thing I have seen. I have been catching up on your oder posts and am up to March 2010, checked your twitter link and this old fashioned concept is great, brillant. Too cool for school, but this is Cali, ouch.
July 13th, 2010 @ 11:44 pm
Another one:
Busier than a dot painter in a paisley tie factory.
July 14th, 2010 @ 8:12 am
Two: (I’m from Minnesota, no cowboy here, but they sound right)
“Uglier than a bucket a’ hair”
“Uglier than a mud fence”
July 15th, 2010 @ 11:00 am
well, it’s not even remotely cowboy, but Dan Savage once said “you’ve got all the social graces of a box of staples”.
July 15th, 2010 @ 11:19 pm
I worked on a ranch moving irrigation pipes when I was a teenager …
“he wouldn’t walk a mile to watch a piss ant eat a bale of hay”
“worthless as tits on a boar”
July 15th, 2010 @ 11:37 pm
From my Grandma when us kids would get bored/restless/antsy:
“Stop pacing around like a magpie with a sore butt!”
July 16th, 2010 @ 8:19 pm
gosh, these are just great!! And I recall hearing a few of these growing up. My Dad is full of these – I should get him to write some of these down. I can’t remember them all.
We were always using the phrase “up a creek without a paddle.”
A good friend of mine always says “busier than a cat in a room full of rocking chairs.”
I love your’s Shreve and I might just start giving you some credit and using it at work, “as Shreve would say….” very applicable to a few folks : )
July 17th, 2010 @ 1:22 pm
“Pissing in the Wind”
My grandpa once said “wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which one fills up first”
July 17th, 2010 @ 10:48 pm
Balding in the front: a thinker
Balding in the back: a lover
Balding front & back: thinks he’s a lover
July 18th, 2010 @ 5:06 pm
I recognise versions of many of these here in England….
Here’s a personal favourite, uttered relatively often, and although not exactly funny of itself – for sure, very neat in its form :-))
>> tintintin <<
” I am unable to find what I am looking for within this metal container”
:-)) sue
July 18th, 2010 @ 5:55 pm
“You’re not made of sugar. Or salt.”
This is the response to someone who objects to going outdoors because it is raining. Also, “I’m not made of sugar…” in response to somebody who questions your own decision to do so.
July 18th, 2010 @ 7:23 pm
Can’t never could do nothing.
July 18th, 2010 @ 9:04 pm
let sleeping dogs lie
July 18th, 2010 @ 9:05 pm
a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush
July 18th, 2010 @ 9:08 pm
i don’t like half the folks I love
July 18th, 2010 @ 9:18 pm
least said soonest mended
a stitch in time saves nine
no room to swing a cat in
take the bull by the horns
July 18th, 2010 @ 9:20 pm
not a pot to pee in or a window to throw it out
July 18th, 2010 @ 9:47 pm
From my mother –
I don’t know him from Adam’s off ox.
July 18th, 2010 @ 9:49 pm
From my mother –
I don’t know him from Adam’s off ox.
From my father –
He is as useless as a fifth tit on a cow.
July 18th, 2010 @ 10:19 pm
Here is one I made up: “The difference between a smart person and a stupid person is a smart person knows how dumb he is.” When I was a teenager, one day I teased my father about his never giving me good advice like other kids dads did. He raised an eybrow and said: “Son, never slap a lady chewing tobacco.” I think this is pretty good advice. And I have never done it. Later, to my sister begging for a complement: “Ok, he said, you sweat less than any fat girl I have ever known.” When he was living in an Assisted Living place, I visited him and asked him about a recent doctor’s visit: “Oh, it was the usual. He told me I had altimer’s. He told me to go home, take an aspirin and forget about it.”
July 19th, 2010 @ 2:49 am
“Couldn’t find his own ass with both hands and a pack a’ hounds.”
“You go to college to get that stupid?”
“The fish don’t care if you showered last night.”
(Meaning don’t dress fancy for the field.)
I was raised in rural, cattle country northern california, and I’ve probably forgotten more of these kind of sayings than I could ever count. :)
July 19th, 2010 @ 8:49 am
A woman’s love is like the morning dew, it’s just as apt to settle on a horse turd as it is on a rose. – from Larry McMurtry, Leaving Cheyenne
July 19th, 2010 @ 9:22 am
From my mom, “Lead, follow or get out of the way.”
Used on everything from pesty children under foot when she was trying to get dinner on the table, to useless managers/co-workers who were keeping her from getting her job done efficiently, and occasionally on the driver in front of her. I’ve been thinking it quite a bit lately… ah, how I miss her!
July 19th, 2010 @ 12:10 pm
It’s always funny when I hear people start off with “bless ______ heart” …it means they r going to talk bad about them
July 19th, 2010 @ 1:28 pm
“He thinks he’s hot shit on a silver platter, but is really just a cold turd on a paper plate.”
“Useless as tits on a boar”
July 19th, 2010 @ 6:29 pm
My grandpa had a saying that always makes me smile:
“I got in a hurry once and stayed for a week”.
July 20th, 2010 @ 5:53 am
You weren’t born. A crow shit ya on a fencepost and the sun hatched ya.
July 20th, 2010 @ 12:52 pm
Independent as a hog on roller skates.
Darker than hell with the fires put out.
About as helpless as a rattlesnake.
July 20th, 2010 @ 1:49 pm
My Uncle Joe was a real cowboy from Montana. Most of his sayings were crude but funny. His cat in a room full of rocking chairs either had a long tail or 3 balls, both were nervous.
He loved Useless as tits on a boar. And cold as a well digger’s ass.
Told us mating cattle were playing leapfrog!!
July 20th, 2010 @ 2:30 pm
“Older than a buckskin rubber.”
“Uglier than a windrow of assholes.”
from my husband’s grandparents.
July 20th, 2010 @ 4:23 pm
dad grew up in west virginia, ohio, pennsylvania… not cowboy, but country:
“whistling girls and crowing hens both come to very bad ends.” (every time i whistled. every time.)
“if a job’s worth doing, it’s worth doing poorly.” (when i procrastinated – ditto!)
“i’d hafta get better to die.” (when friends inquired after his heart surgery-from which he actually recovered quite well)
“never rub a cat’s fur backwards-you don’t wanna see the sparks fly.” (i always assumed this meant i’d get scratched &/or bitten-to this day, i don’t!)
“rolls off him like water off a duck’s back.” (muttered when he was trying to explain something to someone was being particularly uncomprehending)
wonderful fun post – i’ve loved reading ’em all!
July 21st, 2010 @ 2:26 am
“That banjo’s more off-key than a badger in a tuba.”
Shreve, I salute your ingenuity!
July 21st, 2010 @ 4:10 pm
“Don’t care was made to care”– my mother’s answer when I was a kid and answered a choice question with “I don’t care”. She was from Kansas.
July 21st, 2010 @ 4:14 pm
My Mom also used to say “‘Well’ is a deep subject” if one of us started with “Well–” and stopped to think before continuing.
My friend heard it in her family as “‘Well’ is a deep subject for shallow minds.” (Guess my family was nicer?!)
July 21st, 2010 @ 8:06 pm
Who was it that recommended googling UT coach Darrell K. Royal? — they are right! …
“Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity.”
“He__, no. I’m not going to candy this thing up. These are work clothes.” — Darrell K. Royal on fancy, striped uniforms
“Just as happy as a gopher in soft dirt.” — Darrell K. Royal when asked how he felt about beating Notre Dame in the same Cotton Bowl.
“He runs faster than small-town gossip.” — Darrell K. Royal on the speed of halfback James Saxton
“The only thing that disturbs me about my profession is the fact that people give you too much credit when you win and too much criticism when you lose. I’ll be the same person and do the same things and say the same things when we lose. But people won’t believe me then. I won’t change, but the people will.”
“To say we were the only ones aggressive would be like a skunk telling an opossum his breath smells. ”
“We live one day at a time and scratch where it itches.”
“There is no such thing as defeat except when it comes from within. As long as a person doesn’t admit he is defeated, he is not defeated-he’s just a little behind and isn’t through fighting.”
“You’ve got to be in a position for luck to happen. Luck doesn’t go around looking for a stumblebum.”
“He’s smoother than smoke through a keyhole.”
“They cut us up like boarding house pie. And that’s real small pieces.”
“We’re just as average as everyday wash.”
“Every coach likes those players who, like trained pigs, will grin and jump right in the slop.”
“When you get to the end zone, act like you’ve been there before.”
July 22nd, 2010 @ 5:46 pm
My grandmother ( a native Texan) used to say after she had just sewn something for young her daughter. It’s good enough for a galloping horse cause that’s the kind you ride.
July 29th, 2010 @ 8:21 am
These are Mainerisms;
“He’s potato salad shy of a picnic”
“He’s half a cord shy of a forest”
“April showers bring May Blackflies” (my own)
For those of you that have never experienced blackflies they are fruit fly sized and come at you in swarms, and they have a bite like a horse fly.
August 4th, 2010 @ 2:24 am
I’m definitely a late-comer to this party, but I’m loving the sayings (and the blog!). I figure I’ll throw some more in the pile…
I used to work for an elderly woman who was just full of these types of sayings. She passed away last year (at 91) but when I think of her, these still give me a chuckle:
If I was whistling, or humming while working, she would accuse me of “Having Birdseed for Breakfast”.
I am fairly tall (for a girl… 5′ 11″) and if she saw me straining to reach something, she’d always ask if I needed “A few sheets of paper to stand on”.
Where I live is hilly, and sometimes she would take me driving “…Up where they turn the Moon by Hand”.
If the weather was overcast, as soon as she saw a bit of blue sky, she would proclaim, “there’s just enough there to make a pair of Dutchman’s Britches”.
She once remarked that the traffic was “Like the hair on a dog’s back”. (meaning tight-packed)
If the weather turned cold, she would say “I betcha there’s frost on the pump this morning!” Or that it was “Cold as a Witch’s Kiss!”
On describing a brother-in-law she was not very fond of, she proclaimed him “too dumb to piss a hole in the snow with a map” (or “with instructions”, as the mood took her), and that “He probably has to squat to pee”.
She described the spending habits of another member of her family as “Goes through money faster than Shit through a Goose.”
Once, when describing a store owner she did not like (and who was aware of this), she opined that the man would “Shit Little Green Pickles” if she were to give him her business.
On the same vein: she once snagged her foot on the edge of a rug and tripped. Although she didn’t fall, she complained later that she ached all over, “…ever since I Jarred my Pickles.”
She once described someone’s accent as “Thick enough to Walk on”.
If she had alot to do she said she was “Busier than a Cat covering shit on a Marble Floor”.
She described her aunt’s driving style as “A Hog on Ice”. (and the cause of an amusing, but non-serious car accident, the details of which I can no longer remember.)
My own family has a few lines that can make your mouth quirk, as well:
My father’s favorite exclamation was “Crip, Crap and Corruption!” (He claimed to have picked it up from the grandfather of a friend, when he was a small boy.)
When watching a politician on the television, he would normally growl, “You Lie, your feet stink, and you don’t love Buddha!”
When remarking on one’s intelligence, he would say “If Brains wuz dynamite, [pronoun] wouldn’t have enough to blow [pronoun possessive] own nose!”
If someone came across as overly-educated, my father would say they still “…Weren’t smart enough to come in out of the rain.” (a condition his mother dubbed “Educated Dumbell”)
And lastly, I don’t know where I got this from, and I’m almost ashamed to admit I say it:
“I gotta Piss like a Racehorse!” (for when you REALLY gotta go!”)
August 11th, 2010 @ 11:04 pm
“He’s much too leaky a vessel in which to put much hope” Lonesome Dove. After a night of drinking ” He looks like a windrow of a** holes raked up by moonlight! My Mother. “Heep big injun Me, eatum saw log, shittem birch canoe” a response my Mother had for a bragging individual. When something was locked up, tied up or jammed up “That’s tighter than a boars ass sewed up with a log chain. Once again on of Mothers’ favorites. She also seemed to like ” If wishes were fishes and fishes were fords then all the bums could ride free!
August 25th, 2010 @ 6:23 pm
A gal I knew many years ago told me about living in eastern Wyoming in a tiny house with no indoor plumbing. She declared, “In a blizzard, by the time we’d get to that old outhouse, we’d be either too late or not in the mood!”
August 25th, 2010 @ 7:34 pm
“He’s the North end of a Southbound camel.”
To describe someone who’s a real jackass.
October 3rd, 2010 @ 8:01 pm
These are all a hoot… and wise in the bargain! Rebecca (#40), that’s sooo funny!
It’s fun to be way late to the party here – hardly anyone, IF anyone, will read what I write, so I can just let ‘er rip.
I made this one up for my kids, nieces and nephews when they are/were discouraged or scared in college or post-grad work:
“Nobody starts finished.”
These are favorites I’ve heard along the way:
“Experience is what we get when we don’t get what we want.” Stafford
“Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.”
Mel Brooks
“Your argument is as thin as soup made from the shadow of a pigeon which has starved to death.” Abraham Lincoln
“No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.” George Carlin
“When you have a fat friend there are no seesaws. Only catapults.” Demetri Martin
October 6th, 2010 @ 1:07 pm
Don’t squat with your spurs on!
October 6th, 2010 @ 1:09 pm
Happier than a dead pig in the sunshine
October 6th, 2010 @ 1:31 pm
Update:
“I’ll have to re-lick that calf over”
Meaning to start over again after screwing something up mightily.
October 6th, 2010 @ 2:16 pm
It’s rainin’ so hard it’s like a cow peein’ on a flat rock.
October 6th, 2010 @ 2:46 pm
What you resist will persist…to infinity.
October 6th, 2010 @ 2:53 pm
Is IS.
October 6th, 2010 @ 3:20 pm
Here’s one from my mom:
“Busier than a cat covering shit on a tin roof”
October 6th, 2010 @ 4:13 pm
I don’t have one myself, but my folks are full of good Southern-isms.
If it’s raining really hard, it’s a “gullywasher” or a “frog-strangler”.
If someone scares you real bad, they “scared yer mule!”
And if you’re really angry at someone, you’re likely to “snatch them bald”.
And there’s always the “I’m so angry I could shit straight up”, from the brain of my wonderful grandfather.
October 6th, 2010 @ 4:16 pm
Grandpa would say
He’s book smart but street dumb n’ dont know shit from shineola
October 6th, 2010 @ 4:31 pm
I’m gonna cut his tail off behind his ears!
October 7th, 2010 @ 4:18 am
Useless as tits on a boar hog, is the way I heard it.
And,
God willing and the creek don’t rise.
October 7th, 2010 @ 4:21 am
One I think I made up:
If wishes were fishes, I’d live in the sea.
October 7th, 2010 @ 5:59 am
Crooked as a dog’s hind leg.
My Great Grandfather’s: If you keep your mouth shut people won’t know how stupid you are.
Raining like a cow pissing on a flat rock
Frog strangling rain
My boyfriends favorite when he had a cross eyed calf born: He was born on Wednesday, looking both ways to Sunday!!
October 7th, 2010 @ 6:28 am
Useless as tits on a bull!
October 7th, 2010 @ 6:31 am
..darker than two feet up a cow’s arse out there!!
October 7th, 2010 @ 7:57 am
…Tighter than bark on a tree.
…Not the sharpest tool in the shed.
October 7th, 2010 @ 10:21 am
My father always says he’s “Fine as a frog’s hair”.
October 7th, 2010 @ 11:42 am
I’ve laughed out loud reading many of these. Here’s a couple…
“Well tie my face to the side of a hog and roll me in the mud” as an exclamation of amazement.
Also, I’ve got so much work to do that I’m “as busy as a three-legged cat in a sandbox.”
October 7th, 2010 @ 12:32 pm
Often scatological — best often evoke vivid imagery, like v.best already cited: “Raining like a cow pissing on a flat rock”. Or
“As full of shit as a Christmas duck” (gotta watch a very well fed duck to appriciate that one). Or “If he had to haul ass, he’d have to make two trips.”
Then there’s friendly rivalry: “Texans have the biggest belt buckles and the smallest peckers” or referring to Texas as “Baja Oklahoma”.
October 8th, 2010 @ 6:14 am
From my father, when we were speculating about something happening in the future – “If a frog had wings he wouldn’t bump his butt on the ground.”
From my stepmother, when she was irritated at someone – “He needs a knot jerked in his tail.” or, she was going to kick someone’s @$$ till his nose bled.
October 15th, 2010 @ 9:11 pm
You knew it was a snake when you picked it up.
August 15th, 2011 @ 3:20 pm
I’ve actually said probably 25% of these before.
I’ll add “one sandwich short of a picnic” and “not the crispiest Dorito in the bag”
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March 13th, 2017 @ 2:25 am
Spurs N Fur Kitty Cowboys
[…] knife in the drawer. As dumb as a box full of rocks. This is the funniest thing […]