Ouroboros

Oy! I did not mean to invoke politics in my last post. My “Thanks, Obama” was meant in this vein (if you’re not familiar with the meme, it’s very funny and obviously a joke, though my joke was obvious only in my own head). I certainly do not disparage those who’ve finally been able to get health insurance. I do think the ACA should have a different name and there’s a lot more work that needs to be done; health care is still not affordable to many. My heart broke and my blood boiled reading other people’s stories of crazy-expensive care in the comment section.

My first boyfriend was a young Republican (still is) who, during the mandatory high school reading period, read the Wall Street Journal which he carried around in lieu of a book. He wrote me lots of love notes and, beneath his signature, always added “Pat Buchanan in ’92!!!” or something equally horrifying. I was an anarchist hippy (still am); I spent that reading period with Anais Nin and got suspended for smoking pot at school. We were constantly debating – either debating or making out. One debate that I remember: I was using bicycles to make my point, as I was still too young to drive. My thesis statement was that everything should be free. If you needed a bicycle, and there was one sitting there on the sidewalk, it should be accepted that you could take it and ride it to where you needed to go and then leave it for the next person to use. And this extended to everything, all the time. He was like, “if everything were free, nobody would do anything” and I was like, “honor trumps money and cooperation trumps capitalism.” And then we glared at each other and then we made out.

I was not expecting the offers of donations after my last post. Not expecting – but also not surprised because you out there are wonderful to me. But at each mention, the response in my head was NO! No way. Thank you and you’re amazing and so generous and full of kindness and I love hearing your love but no.

When I rode my Vespa across the country, I received help from others nearly every day. People offered help in quick moments – giving directions or high fives – but equally often, they gifted me with major investments of time and trust. People I met on the road – in ice cream shops, coffee shops, gas stations, and bars – invited me into their homes, gave me a bed or a spot on the floor for my sleeping bag, fed me, let me soak in their tubs, offered up their washers and dryers. I never once had an internal debate about accepting their generosity. My response was purely “WOW!” and “THANK YOU.”

But money is weird. There’s a lot of superstition around money. There was an early morning ambulance call a few months ago, a terrible rollover – I’m guessing the driver swerved to avoid a deer and lost control. His Bronco flipped and rolled multiple times. The solo driver was thrown through the windshield and was killed instantly. His belongings were scattered all over the road, tossed from the vehicle during the rolls as every window blasted out. I, too, have a Bronco, and a vehicle like that becomes like a storage locker – it’s really easy to accumulate a lot of random cargo. Since there was nothing we could do as EMTs, we began picking up the dozens of items that had been flung across the road, putting them back into the Bronco through the broken windows. Tools. A hard hat. Numerous wrappers and crumpled receipts. A small cooler. Lots of clothes. A dollar bill. There was a single dollar bill lying on the pavement pretty close to the Bronco. And none of us picked it up. None of us COULD pick it up! A fellow crew member mentioned it as we were driving back to town. “Did you see the dollar bill? I couldn’t touch it.” And then a chorus of “Neither could I!” “Neither could I!” Neither could I. I still don’t know why.

A couple of people suggested, in the comment section of my last post, that if others wanted to help, they should buy things from my shop. My immediate thought, upon reading that, was YES! That I can handle. And right on the tail of that thought came an equally honest but far less comfortable thought: why should I make people jump through hoops because of MY hangups? Giving feels good – and for me to put conditions on that is kind of gross. I’ve given in the past and will give in the future, so why have I removed myself from the other side of the circle? Maybe I need to examine my thinking and my feelings – or at least figure out why they are the way they are.

I still believe honor trumps money and cooperation trumps capitalism. So, by receiving money, am I trading my honor? No. I mostly know the answer is no… but not completely. Is the faltering because I don’t feel I deserve it? Because of some cosmic, internal worthlessness? Because there are others in worse states than I? Are some people going to roll their eyes and think I’m a freeloader? “Oh, man, those debating skills DID get honed at an early age! Look at her convincing herself that it’s a matter of personal growth to take other people’s money!!”

This was difficult analysis. I’ve said those things to myself, and more. There were tears. And yet it kept coming back to one question – can I sit on the circle of cooperation and let it flow without micromanaging the seating arrangement? It’s time to try. I’ll report back with how it feels. I’m scheduled with a surgeon in early February and will report back with the status of my bod just as soon as I know what’s what. Thank you for caring.

Works of Wonder

Soooo, I was all gung-ho to write, here, more and often…. which quickly got derailed by some health baloney of my own. Facing a health scare is never pleasant, and this has been extra fun thanks to my $10K health insurance deductible.

I’ve spent entire days calling every doctor and facility within 300 miles to find the best pricing schedule when I get kicked off to a new person or specialty, since I’m writing checks every step of the way. Thanks, Obama! PS: I still don’t have affordable health care!

I’m working on not feeling like a victim and not feeling sorry for myself. I have savings. I go to great lengths to live outside “the system” so I can’t really expect the system to take care of me. I give myself little pep talks the mornings I wake up with a bad attitude – and it actually works, though the health care system is still a huge source of anger for me right now.

There’s a ton of beauty going on around here, too. The moon has been spectacular, even when just a sliver. The animals are happy and keep me overflowing with joy. I’ve been snowshoeing every chance I get. There’s a lot of good connecting going on – with people and with nature and with myself and with something far beyond myself.

And I received these incredible origami spheres that are works of art and wonder. No glue. Just patience and beautiful paper and the fingertips of a fairy. From the artist: ‘each one is made of 30 identical units that interlock and stay together without glue or tape.’ They have me mesmerized.

Proof

I feel I’ve been swimming the Atlantic for the last two years, and didn’t even realize it till now – now that I’m out of the water, sitting on a dock, eating a sandwich, the salt water sun-drying on my face. Ahhh… exhale and smile. Some snippets: The Fustercluck – the punk band of chicks we got this spring that are now full grown chickens – were living in the chicken house with the rest of the chickens, but that crazy gang of punks have moved into the barn! They roost on the high crossbeams. Just that bunch. The rest of the chickens still sleep in the chicken house (with a few dozen sparrows, a family of partridges, and unknown numbers of wild bunnies).

It’s hilarious but frustrating – the chicken house is far warmer than the barn, which is not yet insulated nor doored. But they’re an independent band and will not be deterred. They still wander over to the chicken house during the day to eat and lay eggs in the nesting boxes, and the other chickens love to hang out in the barn during the day. I still owe a full barn reveal; Mike had put the tin on the roof back in September while l was in Seattle, and when I got back, I was waiting in vain for it to rain, to wash all the dust off the pretty blue roof before photographing it (this fall was so dry). It never rained; instead, it went from dry and dusty to snow-covered and you STILL can’t see the pretty blue roof!

Speaking of so much snow…. one day last week, I was walking back to the house after being out with the cows and Daisy was following me, as she will often do, thinking that she might get some special treats if she’s pushy and demanding. The heaps of snow must have obscured the contrast of the stairs to the deck, because as I climbed them, she followed me right up and onto the deck! I heard her hooves on the boards behind me and turned around and was like, ‘oh shit….’ and at that moment, Daisy realized she was up in the air and she was like, ‘OH SHIT!’ She panic pooped and spun in circles and I was praying I could help her get down before she broke through the deck. Thankfully, she trusted me enough to follow me back down the stairs, sloooowly at first and then taking the last few in one leap. Crazy Daisy! She got her bucket of alfalfa pellets after all, to help calm her down with her feet on solid ground. And now I shovel and sweep the stairs between *every* dusting of snow.

Also last week, I was testing something out in the Shop, pretending to be a customer, and realized (with horror) that the checkout process through Paypal was clunky, difficult, and annoying. I have changed it entirely. Paypal is still available for those with Paypal accounts who like one-click ordering (that part is handy), but a new, improved, completely secure, non-paypal credit card system is now up and running. It’s very sleek and easy and I’m so sorry I didn’t realize and address this issue sooner. If anyone has not gotten a 2015 Charlie Calendar because of the Paypal pain, I’ve fixed it for you, and in the nick of time – you’ll only miss a few days of January if you order yours now!

Speaking of the shop, I want to thank you deeply for your support and enthusiasm this fall and winter. I had the shop pretty much shuttered all spring and summer, and this blog was very quiet, too. When l finally revved up for for holiday and calendar season, I didn’t know if anyone had kept their patience with me. I’m so grateful for your presence and support, and I love sharing my work with you. I have some exciting and beautiful ideas for this coming year. I’m excited to emerge from the murky, mysterious ocean.

Mike found this fossil before all the snow arrived and gave it to me. Neither of us could immediately determine what the fossil was… until it dawned on me. It’s a fossil of angel wings.
Happy new year to all of you out there.

One Hundred Elk

A herd of elk came by at sunset.

These are all cow elk, females.
They stood around for a moment, waiting for everyone to catch up…

…then continued on their way.

This photo is taken mere seconds after the previous one, just zoomed out.
The elk are nowhere to be seen. This land looks flat, but it’s full of hiding places –
a hundred huge elk are right out there, but no one would ever know….

Ahoy From The Arctic

So, it got cold. Negative 26ºF, to be precise. One nice thing about that kind of cold is the perma-endorphin high I get. And three degrees (which is still well below freezing) feels downright balmy. It didn’t get above freezing for ten days, not even for an hour. All the local sparrows and wild cottontails moved into the chicken house – which is just as cute as you might imagine it to be.

Friday, it finally rose above freezing. Outside, there was the sound of dripping, and I had a glorious snowhike with the pups, in a tank top. I also wore wool pants and muck boots, yes, but my arms were bare. Huzzah, Vitamin D! Now it’s snowing again. But that’s OK; to snow, it has to be warm (it’s relative, now).